Hey all,
Hope everyone has been doing as well as can be, and I was just wondering if I could get some input about my recent thoughts/behaviors.
So as with most users on this site, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and desires for a long time. Many of us even keep a possible means close by or have it recorded how/where we might get it. But my question is, where does the comfort/ideation of killing yourself turn into reality?
I’m not scared of dying, but at the same time, my mind getting my hopes up and then not having anything happening is also very tiring.
My situation is that I have a gun, something I’ve had in my possession for a while. It comforted me. Having it, feeling it, knowing it was there brought me a great sense of comfort and got me through another day telling me “if you really cannot cope, I’m here”.
Recently, the past week or so, my desire to die feels like it’s been getting stronger. But it’s hard to tell when you’re constantly day dreaming about it. But the past few nights, I’ve been heading out to the beach with my gun with the hopes that I would pull the trigger (never quite the confidence, but the strong hope) because that is where I would like to die someday. And when I end up returning, it’s always with a heavy heart and a hate that I was too weak, and that tomorrow has to come. But hey, I’m still here today!
Anyway, if anyone made it this far, my question to you is, in your opinion, from your own experiences, or whatnot, should I be worried that this means I am getting closer to actually acting? Or should I just accept it as another form of fantasizing that we all have to help us cope?
7 comments
Hi snow fox. I’m listening. I’m a gun gal myself….which is why I don’t own one. How are you doing?
Always happy to meet a fellow gal who is interested in guns lol. I’m still fairly new (as I didn’t really learn about them until I bought one), but they sure are amazing in their hidden power. As for how I’m doing, I could be better, but I haven’t bitten to dust yet. How about yourself? I hope things have gotten a little better for you recently.
Well I didn’t buy a gun, so I’m still alive. Doing really decently lately. Work is on the upswing so as long as one part of my life isn’t rock bottom then I won’t be purchasing a gun this week.
As far as your question, I don’t have an answer. If I purchase one, it is going straight in my mouth right when I get outside in the car. No flirting with danger, mo romancing the steel, just purchase, load, pull trigger done.
I don’t really advise going to the beach with a gun, or anywhere else for that matter. But that is just me. If however, carrying around a gun makes you feel better about your circumstances, then I guess it is a decent coping mechanism. It just isn’t my coping mechanism, it is my m#thod. Period.
Snow Fox,
i’ve given your question a lot of thought!
” where does the comfort/ideation of killing yourself turn into reality?”
i’ve asked many scholars to brain storm to come to a conclusion! they all seem to agree on when you pull the triger? 🙂 ha ha!
yes i have my system too! all ready to go! and i’ve said actually what you said! “Having it, feeling it, knowing it was there brought me a great sense of comfort and got me through another day telling me “if you really cannot cope, I’m here”.
So far so good were a match! except for the method yuck! a GUN! I’d never use a gun! i’d rather blow my brains out! ????
anyways “should I be worried that this means I am getting closer to actually acting?”
the answer is YES! STOP TOTING THE GUN AROUND!
If your going to kill yourself you don’t want to do it just because you felt bad that day, you want to think it through and plan it, this is not a decision that should be made because of a mood swing that day.
I have to agree, the scholars have a great answer, in a way, nothing is really real until it happens after all. Otherwise reality would be so much nicer with dreams being what they are and such =p
I’m glad to know that others on here also think like I do, the train of thought is a bit too morbid for anyone I interact with in real life to comprehend, so good to know I’m around like minded fellows.
I’d have to argue about the gun being a bad match though! Thought of so many things in the past and even bought a bunch of them, but a firearm seems less messy than alternative methods which have a high success rate….though…I have to agree with you if we’re talking about rifles or something. Those are bad. Very bad. I’ll definitely keep your reply in my mind though. If I ever find a way to get it out of my reach without handing it over to the police, I just might do so, you being up a good point about acting on a bad day after all.
But really, thanks for sharing your opinion, it helps to be able to hear someone other than your own mind from time to time, and I’m afraid that this world is just so into sending people like us to the asylum than giving us answers to our questions =)
Snow Fox, yeah never talk to people you know about killing yourself, they will save you and put you in the loony bin or fuck up your reputation or something, you have us to talk too! 🙂 HA HA! LESS MESSY!!! yeah compared to being hit by a train i guess! 🙂 heliuuuum is my way to deal with such a predicament. you must be pretty tuff!!! remember lots of people wind up worst off with like half a face. i know people in health care they say it happens all the time.
Rocketman’s on the money about it shouldn’t be a decision based on a bad day. i guess it’s part of what keeps me going, not wanting to go through all the prep and steps, understanding beneath it all, it’s still not something I seriously want to go through with. But I own a gun, it’s here right beside me, I sleep with it in bed, holding it somehow does give me comfort, that I have a sense of control, the decision ultimately in my hand, and with it my hand the answer comes out clearer, “no”.