Rant time.
I already know how fucked up I am for no apparent reason. I’m not doing anything to change that. It’s not that I can’t, but that I don’t want to. I don’t know why, but I’m content with being a fuck up. I’m content with being by myself. It’s not that I don’t like people, but people just add mess into your life. I can never find anyone whom I could be totally honest with. I either push people away until they become casual acquaintances, or the ones who get close just want more a more complicated relationship.
I enjoy my solitude, I really do. Being by myself is a treasure I can’t ever give up. But, when I step out into society, I am hit by a huge bout of loneliness. I feel conflicted and a little hurt. I look at society and see them moving like I’m watching a film, never being able to join. And I want, and want, and want. But isn’t it my fault that I can never join? Even though I feel lonely, conflicted and hurt when I step out, I don’t want to move from my solitude. Just spending an hour or two with people is exhausting. Because in the end, I can never be truthful with them.
I’m content with my depression, my self-deprecation, and my very rare bursts of self-harm. I know and embrace them in solitude. But I can never be open to anyone else about them. It’s so easy to just smile and laugh and pretend everything’s okay. It keeps people away. They never realize that I only look happy. It’s not that I can’t feel happy. But I’m never free to be what I want to be. There’s too many expectations, too many restrictions, too many limits.
Most times, I just want an end, instead of beginnings and middles that never let you move the way you want it to.
5 comments
I just wanted to let you know I read your entire rant. Thank you for sharing with me. I find building close friendships IRL exhausting as well so I skim the surface like one of those Florida hover boats in the swamp. Luckily I’m at an age no one pushes for deeper. They are so consumed with what ever life they build for themselves that they don’t take the time.
I like how comfortable you are with solitude, I too am learning that skill, it is a hard skill to learn.
Sometimes though, it’s confusing to feel so contradictory. On the one hand I like it that they don’t push, on the other I keep thinking – why won’t they push?
I think one difficult thing about solitude is that we are taught this idea that being alone is a bad thing. No man is an island and such. But one man means no conflict, put another and you’re guaranteed a fight.
I could have written this. What do you do when you’re so fucked up you don’t care about changing, but the loneliness kills you at the same time? Not an easy thing.
It wouldn’t be so good to feel content despite being fucked up if it were easy would it? I guess part of what makes us so human is our ability to feel so much, to feel everything at the same time.
god I feel the same with all of this. you’re not alone.