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“You have so much to live for.”

I don’t know how may more times I can listen to that. Anytime I talk to any friends or family it’s the same thing. They start by telling me how I am going through a rough patch and that it will all get better. They don’t offer any real advice. They half ass their responses and tell me how my future is going to be just fantastic. I am getting frustrated even thinking of it now. A severe case of anxiety and depression is no “rough patch”. I have been dealing with these issues since before I can remember. It seems all my life is is one unfortunate, traumatic event after the other.

I was such a quiet kid. I could never get out more than a whisper to anyone besides my parents or my one close friend. You know what bullies do with the quiet ones?All the girls in my first grade class were invited to this girl Grace’s birthday party. The memory is fresh like it was yesterday. I can even remember the color of the balloons and what they had out for snacks. The one girl was a tom boy and wanted to show off in front of Graces brother, and I was so quiet that they seemed to know I wouldn’t rat them out. I recall being kicked so badly I vomited and had a bloody face. They then made me go clean it up in the bathroom and tell my mom what a fun time I had.

I haven’t had much luck with abuse either. My one best friend.. her older brother raped me when I was 13. My first time. I don’t remember this so much, as he drugged me and the rest I have tried to block out. I do remember how disgusting and worthless it made me feel. I wonder what kind of person I would be if it never happened. I never told anyone until about a year ago. None of my family know. I don’t want them to.

There was a peeping tom that same year and a deranged creep chasing me home from work when I was 16. I thought I was going to die that night, his car was on my bumper going 90 mph in my neighborhood. Sharp turns and all.

I wish these memories could stop torturing me.

I wish these events didn’t change me like they did.

People say things like “it will get easier” but that doesn’t help because I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t believe it will get better. I wish I had someone to show me how good life can be cause right now it’s not good at all and the world is a hideous place.