Against all odds

My whole life the odds have been stacked against me. My parents divorced when i was a toddler. My father was an unstable manic depressant. My mother was a narcopath. Over the years I’ve had my ups and downs with my dad. The downs were really low, often involving violence. My finger is permanently disfigured due to a fight fight with him almost a decade ago. I’ve had mostly downs with my mom. She’s not allowed in mine or my family’s lives. Long story short: she’s a user who abuses those close to her until they have nothing left to give, including me. Her top quote of my life: “Your daddy is moving to Texas and never coming back because he doesn’t love you anymore” to six year old me when my dad was actually leaving for work so he could help provide for me during the recession in the early ’90s. He came back just like he promised, but it still screwed me up pretty bad. I’ve been beaten, neglected, malnourished and molested under her care, and she got away with it. I’ve put her behind me, though.

As a teenager I was alone. I had a few friends, but they came and went since i moved so much. I had one girlfriend in high school, but that was short-lived and bad. It wasn’t until i was 24 that i met the most amazing person ever, besides my daughter. We met at just the right time in each other’s lives. She saved me from myself as much as i saved her from herself. After a couple years we became parents to our aforementioned daughter. We’ve naturally had ups and downs, but that’s all part of being with someone.

Before i met her, though, was the darkest time of my life. Loneliness for such a long period can lead you down dark paths. The loneliness paired with my depression and anxiety made it all the worse. I spent a long time fantasizing about dying. I wanted it so bad because there was no light at the end of my tunnel. It culminated one night as i say alone with my dad’s shotgun and a box of shells. I loaded a shell and cocked the gun. I placed the barrel in my mouth. I was shaking, but determined. After fighting for some time with myself i forced my thumb against the trigger and prepared for oblivion. Then nothing happened. I dropped the gun, not sure what just happened. Was it like in some movies where someone dies and doesn’t know it? After panicking that i was stuck in purgatory for what seemed an eternity i picked up the gun. The shell ejected, still loaded. I looked at the back to find no charge. It was a dud.

I grew up around guns, and you don’t get duds to too often. I used all my nerve to get that far. I had nothing left in me to load a new shell. Then a couple years later i met the woman who became my wife and I’m so happy i didn’t die back then. It scares me to think about how things could be if i had picked literally any other shell from that box.

We’re on the rocks right now over an argument we had earlier, and I’m sitting in the parking lot of the local Food Lion trying to get my thoughts straightened out. This was the biggest fight we’ve had yet, resulting in this being the closest we’ve been to breaking up. I started writing this not sure where it would end up, but i think it’s helped me cool of enough to see things clearly. I’m going to go home and tell her I’m sorry for what happened because she’s the best thing to have ever happened to me, and just like us meeting against all odds, we can make it through our current problems in life. Things aren’t perfect; we’re both disabled with extremely painful chronic conditions. But the fact that we ever even met in the first place is evidence enough that even though things may seem hopeless, against all odds they can be better. Nothing is over until it’s truly over, even if it seems over.

I hope this reaches someone out there who was in the position i was in when i was ready to die all those years ago. Hang in there, because against all odds things can be better.