I like this post. on some deep Freudian level I think we are all thrilled by heinous acts of cruelty. Why else would horror movies be the most popular genre? I’ve always wondered if horror movies encourage the beast in us, or if they’re somehow therapeutic and they keep potential axe murderers from actually doing it. Or maybe the filmmakers themselves are potential axe murderers but making slasher flicks is their way of keeping themselves off the streets.
I kinda like that idea. Except she’d be a girl that I could bend to my will… Does whatever I say without question. I can do what I want to her without question……. Is that weird?
I have some sort of odd dom complex..
Idk.
Hey whiskered: I always lover reading your posts, especially when you are blowing off steam like this.
Disclaimer: Like I said a few weeks ago, please promise me if you feel compelled to act on some unsuspecting human doll you will pack yourself off to the ER or call 911.
Okay. Onto the fun part. You are a wonderful human being. I understand the rage that boils inside you. I had that rage when I was younger, to a lesser degree I still have that rage. I learned over the years to channel it into things. School, gardening, swimming, music. Anything but directing it into myself. I would sit and fantasize for hours about destroying everyone around me, to see them as miserable and broken as I was. I woke up daily feeling filthy and worthless and I wanted all the nice college freshmen and later office workers to feel the same exact way. I couldn’t save myself, no one was going to save me so I was going to destroy everyone I came in contact with. I daydreamed about a nuclear bomb going off all over the country and the government collapsing so we would all be on equal footing. I wished ill for everyone around me daily, especially the ones I love.
That’s okay though. It is okay to work through that. I grew up in desperate circumstances with a mentally ill woman, sometimes I’m kind of shocked I didn’t end up in jail. I think the only reason I didn’t is because that group of people I couldn’t destroy, I needed my freedom to destroy all the people who weren’t miserable. This included everyone, my friends, my family, strangers. Especially the people who loved me.
So no I don’t think you are evil. I think you have a lot of rage. You need a physical channel for it. Have you thought about martial arts of some sort? The YMCA has programs and you have stated in the past you aren’t living with your parents? If you are a ward of the state you would most likely join the YMCA for free. Think about it. Someday you too could be a SAF middle aged lady dreaming of playing Chopin on a busted up piano. (no isn’t THAT inspiring?)
@Hazy: Thank you for that long and in depth comment. It was a good thing to wake up to.
I want to get something out of the way, though, and say this really quick: I don’t think that a hospital will help. On one of my previous posts, the one where I opened up a discussion about hospitals, I realized that. If I’m conscious enough to come to them and ask for help, then they’ll say that I’m not “bad enough” to be worth their time. They’ll do something only after I’ve gone and done something unforgivable. What good will that do? I feel really trapped.
Anyway, about the rest of what you said: Thank you. I’m pretty inspired by the things you’ve told me, especially about the dark place you used to be in. Because I look up to you very much, Hazy, as sappy as that is to admit. You’re strong and you’re so giving to everybody here. You comment on almost every post and offer every bit of advice or comfort you can to help us.
So if you were able to go from such a dark place, to a place of such light, maybe I will too, someday. I hope I will.
I’m not going to lie and say that I’m alright tonight, because I’m not. But this comment was a ray of hope on an otherwise overcast day.
‘Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.’ – Walt Whitman
I think everybody is comprised of different parts. There is no singular, unified self, sitting behind your eyes, controlling your body with tiny levers. There are competing influences, which rise to prominence depending on the situation, and are then reflected in the narrative of consciousness. The mind is a team of rivals, struggling to assert dominance, but collaborating for the sake of self-preservation.
The struggle in the minds of most people is simply less pronounced, so that they are able to maintain the illusion that they are one, constant, unchanging self.
As distressing as it is to realize that there is a prominent part of you so far outside acceptable social norms, that part cannot define you until it guides your actions.
As long as you resist giving in to that part of you, then that is effectively who you are – the person who contains their violent feelings. That is admirable, not monstrous, and worthy of respect – from everyone. That is who you are.
As distressing as it is to realize that there is a prominent part of you so far outside acceptable social norms, that part cannot define you until it guides your actions.
THIS.
Could not have put it better. There are a lot of us with particularly twisted or perverse ideations that make us feel comfort. A lot of us are just not forthcoming with them- some about our own existence, some about control of others, some about pain inflicted upon others…but as with most of life in society, it isn’t who we are underneath, but what we act on that defines us.
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Wow, this is long. Why are my posts getting longer all of a sudden?
I like this post. on some deep Freudian level I think we are all thrilled by heinous acts of cruelty. Why else would horror movies be the most popular genre? I’ve always wondered if horror movies encourage the beast in us, or if they’re somehow therapeutic and they keep potential axe murderers from actually doing it. Or maybe the filmmakers themselves are potential axe murderers but making slasher flicks is their way of keeping themselves off the streets.
I don’t know, I don’t know how it works. I’ve never felt satiated by violent movies or books or video games. They always make it worse.
But I suppose not everyone is like me.
I’m the kind of monster that parents tell their kids about to get them to behave.
There really should be a mandatory euthanasia program for people like me.
I kinda like that idea. Except she’d be a girl that I could bend to my will… Does whatever I say without question. I can do what I want to her without question……. Is that weird?
I have some sort of odd dom complex..
Idk.
I don’t really think that’s weird. I’m not really a sexual person by any means. But I guess I can understand.
Hey whiskered: I always lover reading your posts, especially when you are blowing off steam like this.
Disclaimer: Like I said a few weeks ago, please promise me if you feel compelled to act on some unsuspecting human doll you will pack yourself off to the ER or call 911.
Okay. Onto the fun part. You are a wonderful human being. I understand the rage that boils inside you. I had that rage when I was younger, to a lesser degree I still have that rage. I learned over the years to channel it into things. School, gardening, swimming, music. Anything but directing it into myself. I would sit and fantasize for hours about destroying everyone around me, to see them as miserable and broken as I was. I woke up daily feeling filthy and worthless and I wanted all the nice college freshmen and later office workers to feel the same exact way. I couldn’t save myself, no one was going to save me so I was going to destroy everyone I came in contact with. I daydreamed about a nuclear bomb going off all over the country and the government collapsing so we would all be on equal footing. I wished ill for everyone around me daily, especially the ones I love.
That’s okay though. It is okay to work through that. I grew up in desperate circumstances with a mentally ill woman, sometimes I’m kind of shocked I didn’t end up in jail. I think the only reason I didn’t is because that group of people I couldn’t destroy, I needed my freedom to destroy all the people who weren’t miserable. This included everyone, my friends, my family, strangers. Especially the people who loved me.
So no I don’t think you are evil. I think you have a lot of rage. You need a physical channel for it. Have you thought about martial arts of some sort? The YMCA has programs and you have stated in the past you aren’t living with your parents? If you are a ward of the state you would most likely join the YMCA for free. Think about it. Someday you too could be a SAF middle aged lady dreaming of playing Chopin on a busted up piano. (no isn’t THAT inspiring?)
@Hazy: Thank you for that long and in depth comment. It was a good thing to wake up to.
I want to get something out of the way, though, and say this really quick: I don’t think that a hospital will help. On one of my previous posts, the one where I opened up a discussion about hospitals, I realized that. If I’m conscious enough to come to them and ask for help, then they’ll say that I’m not “bad enough” to be worth their time. They’ll do something only after I’ve gone and done something unforgivable. What good will that do? I feel really trapped.
Anyway, about the rest of what you said: Thank you. I’m pretty inspired by the things you’ve told me, especially about the dark place you used to be in. Because I look up to you very much, Hazy, as sappy as that is to admit. You’re strong and you’re so giving to everybody here. You comment on almost every post and offer every bit of advice or comfort you can to help us.
So if you were able to go from such a dark place, to a place of such light, maybe I will too, someday. I hope I will.
I’m not going to lie and say that I’m alright tonight, because I’m not. But this comment was a ray of hope on an otherwise overcast day.
‘Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.’ – Walt Whitman
I think everybody is comprised of different parts. There is no singular, unified self, sitting behind your eyes, controlling your body with tiny levers. There are competing influences, which rise to prominence depending on the situation, and are then reflected in the narrative of consciousness. The mind is a team of rivals, struggling to assert dominance, but collaborating for the sake of self-preservation.
The struggle in the minds of most people is simply less pronounced, so that they are able to maintain the illusion that they are one, constant, unchanging self.
As distressing as it is to realize that there is a prominent part of you so far outside acceptable social norms, that part cannot define you until it guides your actions.
As long as you resist giving in to that part of you, then that is effectively who you are – the person who contains their violent feelings. That is admirable, not monstrous, and worthy of respect – from everyone. That is who you are.
Wow thehusk, that was really powerful and inspiring. And so very true.
Cheers Hazy. I hope whiskered-fish (and others) will be able to believe it about themselves.
I’ve been thinking about this comment all day, husk. Everything you said was very insightful, and I really appreciate your help. Thanks, man.
As distressing as it is to realize that there is a prominent part of you so far outside acceptable social norms, that part cannot define you until it guides your actions.
THIS.
Could not have put it better. There are a lot of us with particularly twisted or perverse ideations that make us feel comfort. A lot of us are just not forthcoming with them- some about our own existence, some about control of others, some about pain inflicted upon others…but as with most of life in society, it isn’t who we are underneath, but what we act on that defines us.
I sure hope so. Thank you.