I kept telling myself I would do it.
First I smoked some bud. Then I grabbed my backpack, drove to a parking lot along the river.
I crossed the railroad tracks, and tied the backpack straps around my waist as I made my way to the water.
I was still wearing nice shoes, but I figured it wouldn’t make any difference, so I waded in the water.
I had every intention of doing this. I stood there, having blocked any thought of turning around. I took another step forward, feeling my leg sink into the soot deeper than I thought. My heart raced.
I was able to calm myself. It was peaceful, high, and I realized I had no physical pain in this moment.
I reevaulated. I didnt want to regret having chickened out. I wanted this all to end. I still don’t know if I should have. I just feel it wouldn’t make any difference. I can always die later, and if I escaped pain in that moment, maybe there are still things to try. At this point, it still wasnt too late to turn back.
It sank in that I wouldn’t be following through today. I wasnt emotional, anxious, lost in though, empty- I just felt kind of disappointed. As I was about to turn across the train tracks, I saw a couple walking a dog, going towards the spot I had just left.
People are everywhere, it’s awful.
It seems it turned out to be a good idea to turn around in any case. I will need to think of a new spot, or I will need to remember how terrifying that step was.
I still am not sure, but I’m sure my resolve will strengthen one way or the other. Something must give.