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I’m never used to it

by 4beyondhelp

the realisation that I deserve to suffer and to die. I’ve realized it time and time again but it hurts the same every time. every so often I feel myself loosening, thinking, well maybe I deserve a chance to live at least until I’m 18 or 21 or 30, but I know deep down I’m wrong. I know that every day I continue to live is another unforgivable sin.

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6 comments

dividebyzero 3/31/2016 - 1:22 am

Every day you continue to live is an unforgivable sin? Why do you believe that? Why do you believe you deserve to suffer and die? I understand thinking that you can’t escape suffering…but aside from serial killers and rapists and people like that, I don’t see why anyone would actually deserve to suffer.

4beyondhelp 3/31/2016 - 9:34 pm

I am not a serial killer or a rapist and I don’t ever plan to be, but I waste air, space and other precious resources by existing. The amount of resources that it takes to sustain my life far exceeds any contribution I could or would ever make to the world. The convenience for the rest of the world if I died coupled with my own desire to die makes it a viable option, and perhaps the best one.

whiskered-fish 3/31/2016 - 1:31 am

18? Wait a second, 4beyondhelp. If you don’t mind me asking: how old are you?

4beyondhelp 3/31/2016 - 9:34 pm

15

whiskered-fish 3/31/2016 - 9:37 pm

Oh…friend, you have so much time to earn your place in the world. What could you have possibly accomplished in such a short time? You should give yourself a chance.

4beyondhelp 3/31/2016 - 10:47 pm

It’s not so much what I haven’t accomplished up to now, it’s the knowledge that I will most likely never accomplish anything. I am not sure I want a place in the world anyway. Nothing ever seems worth the effort.

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