I’m terrified.

This is my first post. And I’m terrified. Terrified that I have to resort to something like this. Terrified that I’m finding myself sinking back into a hole I thought I had successfully climbed out of years ago.

I’ve had depression of varying degrees on and off since the age of 11. I remember clearly the burning desire to end my own life at age 12; a struggle that took me years to overcome. Don’t ask me how; I don’t remember. Most of that time period in my life has become hazy.

But now, here I am. 17 years old, a loving boyfriend, a promising future. And yet something’s not right. I can’t stop crying multiple times a day for no apparent reason. It’s been months. I feel so isolated, like the love of those around me is so fragile that if I reach out to anyone, I’ll lose everything. My boyfriend is the only person keeping me sane, but for the same reason, I can’t talk to him in fear that he’ll drift away from me. That my inability to be happy will cause me to lose him, because he’ll realize that I’m dragging him down. I’m supposed to be his partner, his supporter, not another problem to deal with. I’m terrified.

I thought I was done with this. Around the age of 15, when things started getting better, I thought, good. Now this is the part where I start living my life.

I’m so scared that at this rate, I’ll fall back to how it was back then. When getting up in the morning was the hardest thing I ever had to do. When finding the will to live was harder than finding a needle in a haystack.

I want to get back on track before it’s too late. I don’t know what to do…