Is it just angst?

I get these overwhelmingly strong  feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness and anxiety and frustration with myself. It’s been like this now for the past year. I tried to hide all of it from people for quite a while but one day I got a panic attack in class and that’s when my friends found out that my smiles had been fake all this time. I try to drop some hints to my mum that I feel “down” or “I just want to end it all” but she thinks its all just teenage angst or just hormones at this age.

Is it really just angst if I think about suicide all the time and actually plan it out and decide what to do when the day comes? Is it just angst or hormones if I’ve tried it once before? Is it just angst when I feel hopeless and disgusted by myself all the time?

I tried to strangle myself with a belt last year but someone rang the doorbell and I heard my mom calling me to answer the door from her room then real life was coming back to me then I remembered that my mom was still there and I couldn’t just leave her like that, I didn’t even have a note ready for her. The guilt came, I felt like the most selfish ***** because moments before that, none of that was one my mind. I just wanted out.

I have a note ready now. I’m not sure when or if I’m gonna do it but I’m probably going to slash my wrists and go to bed, dying slowly. I never told my mom about any of this. I really don’t want to do this to her I love her more than anything in this world. She’s the one who makes me think; Maybe just one more day. But then again, I never chose life so would it be so wrong if I did it? I don’t want to be thought of as this emo or psycho child or attention seeker that’s why I hide it. Some days are so much better than others but it gets so much worse when I go to school because of the people around me especially teachers. I just feel trapped and I feel like I’m screaming for help but no one will ever come. I don’t know who to tell it to because mental illnesses and disorders aren’t really believed in where I come from and if I did find a good psychiatrist or therapist then it would be too freaking expensive and my parents already spend way too much on me and I don’t feel like I deserved it then I’ll feel like even more of a burden to them and this whole cycle of hating myself will start again. But I know I need the help…

Don’t you sometimes wish you could go back in time where the worst thing to ever happen was someone to use your crayons or colour pencils? I want to be five again.