Just want the pain to stop

Hi, I used to post here as Second_Winter before I got locked out for incorrect password stuff. I constantly read this site and relate to so many of you. I don’t post often, mostly out of apathy from my own situation and because I was locked out for so long.

My situation has gotten dire. I am in so much debt that I feel like I’m drowning. I recently returned from working a nonprofit job with students in another state and it was great, but my contract ended and now I’m back home. All of the reminders of my past are here, so much that I was able to get away from when I moved away to to serve the children and the community. I know I should just get out of here, but now I have no job and no money. I’ve been applying tons of places but to no avail. Have been on some interviews, but obviously they weren’t interested. I feel like such a failure. Even if I did get a job, it’s not like I could just save up and move away. Pretty sure between college loans and IRS, they’re gonna garnish my wages with any job I get and with that and other bills, I’ll be able to save nothing to actually move. I used to be such a strong person and now I can feel how my family views me. I can feel their stares. I know killing myself would hurt them, but I feel like I can’t take this much longer. On top of all this, it’s been about about a year since my girlfriend of 7.5 years suddenly left me. It still hurts to think about it and it fucked me up mentally something awful- it has super detached me socially from other humans.  The thought of it all just makes me cry all the time. I still remember what feeling happy was like. I try to cling to that, but it’s like a fleeting memory more and more. Something unattainable…something that existed in my previous life. Why just go through the motions anymore? I’ve been on auto-pilot emotionally for so long since then- I have no interest in dating or finding meaningful relationships anymore. The past years have just been riddled with everything falling apart…and when I needed that person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with the most- she left. Now, I smile and act like I have it all together for everyone else’s sake.

I wish they could see the burdens I carry for me. I wish they could see this brick that sits on my chest- the pain I feel for me, the pain I feel for humanity and the disbelief in how shitty people can treat each other, the acknowledgment that I haven’t lost the sense of humanity and try to act on what most people call ‘youthful idealism’ when they choose to let it fall away for shiny objects…an idealism, even older now, which I retain and simply call ‘humanity’. I self-medicate to get through their obliviousness but it only makes the lows worse in the end of it. What’s the fucking point? I am just a punching bag waiting for the seams to fall out only to be replaced by someone who is content being a punching bag. I can’t be content. I want out. I’m so tired of living with this pain that sits on me and if those around me internalized what they see in the world around them…if they felt as intensely as I do…then I wouldn’t feel so fucking downtrodden, isolated, and alone. At least I would have faith, maybe somewhere, in humanity…but I can’t live like a zombie anymore where ignorance is bliss and people have turned off the humanity and justify it with time constraints and other priorities. This happens ALL THE TIME and the frustration that I can’t voice leads me to a place where I don’t want to breathe or get out of bed because I’m tired of living in this goddamned groundhog day and telling myself it will get better. I told myself that years ago. I’m 31 now and nothing has changed, it’s only gotten worse. It doesn’t get better. Fuck this place and what people have become. I inch closer to my final solution.