Before I start my post, I’m apologising for the lack of replies to the comments on my last post. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind the other day, so I thought it was best to not reply at that time.
The last two days have been particularly awful. My moods have been so irregular I’ve had to leave rooms because everyone is utterly pissed at the lack of stability. And the voices are so frequent I feel like my head is going to explode. I can’t cope with the constant noise.
The figures aren’t much better. I see things everywhere now; I can’t look in once place without seeing someone or something. I was trying to start my essay the other day and the words kept moving on the page, and the paper started breathing – in short, I panicked over ‘the tree still being alive’ and I went into the garden at 3:00am to try and plant it so it would be okay. I realise now how ridiculous that was.
I’ve been doing the therapy diary to keep notes of the voices – however, I’m only writing some of the times I hear them. I only really write them in when I attempt to distract myself because that’s what my therapist said to do. The entries are so brief and undersized though (in fear my family or one of the Others reads it), I don’t know if it’ll be much use to my therapist.
My aunt and uncle and their kids came over today (we rarely see them since they live down south), and it was noisy the entire time they were here – about 3 hours. So the voices were even worse – because they can get triggered in noisier situations. I felt like listening to them and just walking out (they keep saying I need to run away and hide from everyone until it’s safe again). But it all calmed down after an hour or two.
My aunt was talking to my mum about her Bipolar, and my mum was telling her about my moods and stuff. So my aunt said I probably have Bipolar or something because my symptoms are very similar to hers, and she said I should bring it up in my next meeting with my psychiatrist. Fun.
That means admitting to her I haven’t been taking my antidepressants for the best part of 3 years (antidepressants trigger mania and makes mood swings in Bipolar worse, and if she thought I was taking them then she’d instantly dismiss the thought of Bipolar. And now that I think of it, the main reason I stopped taking it in the first place – before the Angels – was because it made my moods fluctuate horribly and I couldn’t handle the intensity or irregularity of them). So I’m not looking forward to our meeting next month.
I couldn’t get in with my doctor this week again because there were no appointments, and I couldn’t leave the house on Tuesday anyway. But I’m going to try again next week.
Last night was awful. I considered going to hospital at 4am last night because some of the Angels kept saying I needed to kill myself, and if I killed myself then they would use what’s in me to defeat the Others. But the other Angels were telling me not to trust those Angels, and it all got really stressful and loud. But I eventually fell back asleep and avoided doing anything.
Surprisingly, I can’t hear anything right now. Which is shocking, considering I’ve heard voices constantly for a week and a half now, I think. I’m making the most of it, and decided to write this post.
My posts don’t usually seem to flow very well due to the continuous noise distracting me and my thoughts jumping from each different thing – they are now, but I can type quick on my phone, so that isn’t a huge problem for once. So I hope this post makes sense for a change.