Night thoughts

I do wonder were il be in the next 5  to 10 years or what il be doing and then on the other hand I wonder if il make it that far shit my life has fell apart and  still not to sure why I’m hanging around for ? Isit that question WHAT IF ? Yeah maybe or do we just fear the unknown what good can come from emotional pain apart from self harming and suffering and heart break  ? I look at my scars and think why didnt I push more deeper and just bleed out months ago or swollow a bunch of shit and hope for that never ending deep sleep it sound so sweet dosnt it no more struggling no more pain or suffering when was the last time I was actually happy seems like a fucking life time ago I think if I lived in the US I think I would of gone into a corn field and put a bullet in my head by now iv been in the dark so long I’m getting comfortable here I totally forgot what it’s like not having the dark cloud over my fucking head