Something dark has brought me back to this place, suicideproject just can’t be erased from my mind even after years. Ive had this ongoing struggle of unhappiness, and I can’t see to win the war.
even now a little older, and have a respectable career happiness hasn’t come. My job as a firefighter has only made me numb to seeing what death really looks like. Pulling half of bodies, limbs and charred remains from houses, mangled bodies from vehicle accidents, spraying off the walls of the people who spattered brains all over
Every once in a while you might save someone and make a difference, but did you really make a change? Its usually the same kind of people that have the same problems.
There is a 7 story drill tower where I work for training and whatnot. I wondered what it would be like to tie a rope to the top and jump off, just thinking of the horror of the 400 people daily that work there to find me. It would be so high up even if i changed my mind it would be to late, least someone would get some nice death benefits.
3 comments
I know a guy who is a firefighter and I’m pretty sure he’s suicidally depressed, even though he appears to be an outgoing fun-loving guy. I think you have the greatest profession in the world, even though it obviously takes its toll.
sometimes its not even the effects of the job, Its been a constant battle even throughout the journey of getting one of the hardest jobs in the country. Theres a feeling of hopelessness, unfulfillment, and pointlessness in life that plagues me.
My observation is that there’s something about the job of firefighter/rescuer that attracts people who are prone to feelings of hopelessness and pointlessness like you said. I’m not a firefighter but I’ve worked with emergency rescue crews many times and I’ve noticed they live for that rare “high” of saving others, even though things often turn tragic. Maybe by succeeding at just 1 rescue out of 10, it’s like for that moment the pointlessness of life disappears. I dunno if that makes any sense, but it’s what I’ve observed at disaster sites and the people who run in headlong to help.