Tired of the pain

I have been checking out the site for a couple weeks now, so many feeling the same way I do.  I have thought about posting a couple times but really didn’t like what I had wrote.  Well here goes nothing.

I was an army brat for the first six years of my sorry pathetic life.  When I was four years old my father began beating me.  He would come home at night and after I would say hi, let the beating begin.  This went on for two years.  He would whip me with a belt across my back.  He would punch me in the face and after I would fall to the floor he would start kicking me in the ribs.  He beat me in the woods because I got a piece of tree bark in my eye and I wouldn’t let him take it out with his knife.  He beat me because I fell off the slide and get the wind knocked out of me and I wouldn’t stop crying because I was scared.  One time he threw me down the stairs with my toothbrush in my mouth.  Almost lost my voice because of that.  He would lock me in a room and my mom in a room and go back and forth beating us for hours.  He would hold my face inches away from a red hot burner.

He would try to get me to perform oral sex on him, he tried having anal sex with me.  He would take me to a hotel where he would meet other woman and allow them to do sexual stuff to me.  He would make me watch as he would have sex with them and then shove my face in their crotch and tell me to clean it up.  On the way home he would stop on train tracks and turn the car off waiting for a train.  He would stop the car at the last second and pull off the tracks.  He would stop the car and tell me that if I told anyone the train would hit us.

He ended up taking his life after he was denied re-enlistment after the army found out about the abuse.

I hid the abuse pretty well through highschool.  Two people knew about it.  I never told them but they were able to tell somehow.

About 6 years ago the abuse came to the surface.  I started becoming withdrawn, depression hardcore, flashbacks, nightmares.  My ex-wife gave me a choice.  Counseling or divorce.  I started counseling.  Was put on an antidepressant and seroquel for the nightmares.  One day my ex-wife found a chat forum for survivors and their partners.  I saw a post that she left saying that if she knew how hard it would be she never would have married me.  That started the downward spiral of our marriage.  Two years ago we ended up getting a divorce.  I continued going to counseling through all of this.

I found a woman that I thought loved me and wanted to be there.  At the beginning she was there.  She was there when I would come out of a flashback, nightmare every time.  Over time she began to become distant and withdrawn.  She ended up calling it quits.

A year later I started dating another woman.  She understood my situation, was there for me.  She to became distant and withdrawn.  She ended it about a month ago.

Two weeks after we broke up I was diagnosed with kidney cancer.  I didn’t want her to know but a friend we have in common told her.  She began accusing me that I made it up to try to get her back.  She asked for paperwork so I showed it to her.  She said it was fake.  She asked to see other things, said it wasn’t real.  So yeah, there is my life story pretty much.

My depression is the worst it has ever been.  I have thought through the years of taking my life so I don’t have to be disappointed by people.  For five years I drank nonstop.  All I have ever wanted was for someone to see past the rough, broken edges that I have worked so hard to smooth out and see that I am worth the chance.  That I have so much love to give.  Yeah I am not perfect but damn it, I am worth the chance.

I feel like I am drowning in a darkness and the more I fight to get to the surface the deeper into the darkness I go.  The more I drown.  I don’t want to feel this anymore.  I am beyond ready for it to end.  I am beyond ready for my pathetic life to end.