If I really think about this question, it comes down to basically two things. The people in my life who would be affected and the fact that I’m scared of something going wrong with my attempt. Another odd thought came into my mind. I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE A BODY!! I don’t want somebody to have to come across me – lying there dead. I’ve always had a problem with blood (not that my method involves it) but, you know, just general messiness. I just want to disappear. I don’t even care if nobody remembers me. I just don’t want a fuss. In fact, it would probably be preferable if they don’t remember me. I just want to be gone – an easy out. As if I’d never existed at all. I don’t want the fuss and the drama and the angst of the aftermath for my family.
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I feel the same way. If I could just die and have no one remember me I would
Still around, eh? I’d actually figured you for dead since you never texted me back, but obviously I’m wrong. All I can say really is I hope you’ll find ample distractions on the path to eternal rest — since that’s all I’m doing for the time being.
Wishing the very best for you. *hugs*
Tell me about it :9 i keep saying this, but
I’m ending it very soon, and …urgh…
All the fuss.
I don’t want fuss.
I actually have an idea in mind which will cause self-induced illness… If only nobody intervenes, it will all look accidental…
I thought it was me waiting on you to get back to me… wasn’t it?
And thank you, but the distractions are wearing thin.
*hugs* to you too!
Oh, that’s for Shepard…
Sorry, I really can’t remember. After my second surgery and going through the withdrawals… Yeah, everything was a blur. I apologise either way, and I’m happy that you’re still around.
Thanks Shep, you’re a sweetie. And I think you have way more to live for than you realise. I suspect that surgery is real tough. I’m lucky to not have had to have any. You’re young – I’m getting past the point of having any real chance of having a huge turnaround in my life. I know, it’s easy for me to say that though without having any real idea of what your life is like. How did your surgery go? I hope you’re healing well.
“Living for” and “existing because of” seem to be a common theme in my life. Only thing that’s keeping me going for now is the possibility of getting a diploma and forging some new friendships. Surgery was last May and the only difficult part was the recovery time. Diagnosed with osteoarthritis late last year and having to live daily with severe pain and impaired mobility.
Are you back in Hastings still? I’m guessing the sitch with your ex and your kids hasn’t gone too well, huh? It still pains me that he’d screw you over like this… Argh.
Yup, still in Hastings. And yes, my ex is being a total asshole. He has the kids, so he’s using them as pawns in his sick game of control. I hate that they have to live with a sick narcissist like him, but there’s not alot I can do about it. They’re one of the only reasons I keep going, but I have conflicting feelings about this. On one hand I want to protect them from his influence. I see two sweet innocent little beings who have no idea about the evils in this world, and what he’s doing to me. I’m more upset for them than me. I’m just upset he’s doing this to THEIR Mother, if you know what I mean? On the other hand, I know I’m not a strong role model for them. I don’t want them to see how much I’ll increasingly fail them as they get older. I think that the sooner I’m gone, the easier it will be on them. But still in two minds….
Awww… I so feel for you having to go through all this pain when you should be full of health and energy! It would have been nice to have met you. I’m a nurturer and I would have wanted to look after you and cook you meals and stuff. I always want to help like that..
I get what you’re saying and… *sighs* It’s the same old tune, in’nit? Men exerting power/influence over women in order to go about their own selfish desires. “…increasingly fail them as they get older” — well it ain’t like they’re going to expect you to be the greatest person ever to walk the planet. You’re their mother, and mother is EVERYTHING in the eyes of a child. Nurture them. Educate them. Love them. And I promise that they’ll make up your mind for you.
(But obviously some doofus is preventing you from doing that. Ugh…)
That’s very sweet of you, Z. Really truly. I agree completely that I wish we could’ve met, but perhaps there’ll be a chance in the not too distant future. Oh, and I probably would have been a stubborn bastard about letting you cook for me since I tend to like struggling on my own to look after myself, but I s’pose you’re not the type of person to take “No” for an answer when you’re the one who’s acting selflessly.
Also: if you’ve still got my number, can you send me the last four digits? Just want to check if I was the moron who didn’t update his contacts after going into hiding.