When I’m faced with an uncomfortable challenge in life, I’m always afraid I might fail and I’m usually even more afraid that I might succeed. The only safe option is to not try, so that’s what I often do. That’s why being depressed makes me feel safe, because I know I’m not going to talk myself into taking any risks. And it’s not like I have any life goals or (realistic) dreams that might inspire me to overcome those fears. When I dig holes for myself, I tend to want to stay there.
I fear failure because, well, disappointment and rejection suck. I fear success because when I succeed, people (including myself) tend to raise their expectations and/or give me more responsibilities. That means that when I inevitably have a depressive episode it’s more overwhelming and harder to deal with. I start to see myself as a fraud, or a ticking time bomb, and figure it’s only a matter of time before my emotional instability or lack of some critical skill is exposed in front of everyone.