I think, my mind is ready. I have been constantly thinking about suicide for, I can’t remember how long. And I tried to get better but only got steadily worse. Now instead of dreams where I am killed by other people, for the last 5 days it is myself that is throwing themselves into the void over and over again.
I have an outdated suicide note in my nightstand. Written a couple of weeks ago… not sure if I should revise it last minute or tear it up completely.
I feel no words could explain why I want to off myself. I failed to convey it to them in the past, what would a paragraph or two change?
It fills me with sick happiness and I am smiling genuinly for the first time in months.
Just… felt like wanting to reach out perhaps one last time. One last straw to pull. Writing this means a lot to me hence I said to my Psychiatrist well… “My duties and responsebilities come first”
Almost feels too noble ‘cuz honestly I shouldn’t be giving a fuck. Yet I do and always took care in the work I do let it be by making creams in the pharmacy, cooking or drawing lewd chubby things.
The same care is also destroying me from the inside. My mind goes to great lenghts to find every little bad thing about me and reinforce it. Especially with my body since I started transitioning from male to female.
I know my friends say to me I look better and prettier, even though I am getting a few wrinkles here and there.
Every compliment or praise is blocked off though. Or gets twisted and turned around to confirm the negative statement I have in my head.
I am tired of that auto-punishment, of trying, of getting up, of being rejected by my parents for who I am and being a burden to my friends and society.
But again, we’ll see… I still have to work and duties to attent to.
Until the evening. And then, well… I have everything ready and prepared. Have had for years, until a day like this comes around.
We’ll see.
thanks for reading
Sincerely B_L
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so, it’s 10:00 and I am getting tired… I had a wonderful day.
Pretty much all the negative energy was spent in something new. I have been trying out archery and… yeah, it was fun and endearing. Watched the others shoot and get instructed.
They said I looked promising and I wanna keep going. There goes work into just lining up a shot… works both as a great distraction from bad thoughts and a minor workout from drawing the arrow over and over again. To make a long story short. I had fun until my fingers got sore.
So yeah… I will pursue archery instead of letting my other side win.
And … thank you all for commenting.
thanks for reading
Sincerely B_L
7 comments
I read your whole post. I am sorry to hear that you are in this position where you feel like you just want to end it. I have been there. I literally had years of my life where I thought about suicide pretty much everyday. I had medical problems, financial problems and I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. I felt like my days were filled with constant suffering in one way or the other and I just wanted that suffering to stop. Well > I did have some suicide attemps. I did try to put an end to myself a few times during those years. I had like 6 really serious suicide attempts > one landed me in a coma for 2 days. But after all of that.. after my failed suicide attempts I decided to instead of trying to end myself to just go balls out trying to make my life better. So I set that as a goal and things did get better and still are getting better to this day.
So I guess I am trying to say. YES I have been in the position you are in. But things have turned around for me… and I believe that things can turn around for you too.
I hope that you are able to work through your issues and find a reason to go on. I hope you can find a way to get happy with your life and continue on.
If you want to chat I will be here to listen.
Thank you for reading. I am not sure what there is left to say honestly. but 2 days in coma… shit. I am sorry that it happened to you and happy that you could turn your life around.
I am trying to do the same little by little. It just feels like I am in a competition with myself and the other side seems to be having the lead.
Yeah I really was in a coma for 2 days after a suicide attempt. It was no picnic what I went through. I dont want to see you go through that. Id rather see you put your efforts into bettering your life than go through something like I went through.
YES, my life did turn around… so I just wanted to tell you that.
Things can get better!! Yeah I am glad to hear that you are trying to turn things around for yourself…..little by little is often how it goes.
I wish you well. Thanks for making the post.
Keep on keeping on
I believe things will get better or you.
Nice to see you at the fourm
I wish you the best!
Again we’ll see, either I do it or I don’t. I still got plenty of time to think and debate.
I hope you’re still here
I am, I still have to work and duties to attend to during the day.
HI Blood_Lotus. I love that name btw. Just want to throw that out for you. I googled it. Hu.
Wait, what? You draw lewd chubby things? What on earth could that mean. What exactly defines a lewd chubby thing? I’m thinking like chubby baby angels with hard ons? (I’ll let that visual sink in for a while).
So tonight hu? Will you visit with us tonight before you make your final decision? Even if it is so that you aren’t completely alone in this. I will say don’t do this. Give yourself some time to walk forward. I am obligated to say this for reasons I don’t clearly understand myself most days.