I’m sat in my bed at 25 minutes to midnight, trying to ignore my exhaustion in order to let my thoughts flow freely. I am not suicidal- yet. I don’t doubt that I possibly could be, someday, but for now I simply wish that I was. Sounds ridiculous, right? It makes sense to me. My current viewpoint on life is toxic to me, of that I’m aware, and that is because my mind is brutally honest when it comes to ‘the meaning of life’ and similar topics. My own mortality, along with everyone else’s, is what prevents me from being genuinely happy. I’m all too aware of the fact that every human on this planet, after an indefinite but relatively short lifetime, simply passes away. All the pain, all the happiness, all the passion felt by an individual becomes irrelevant far too quickly. Some would say, including myself, that everything that person did was all for nothing. In 150 years, my entire existence will most likely be entirely irrelevant, nothing but a passing thought. And in 1000 years? I won’t even be known as someone’s great great grandmother. And what about when the world finally comes to its end? Well, every single other human being will join me in being a complete waste of time. Every moment of suffering and pain will have been tolerated for nothing. So, yes, at this moment in time, I am afraid to die. I’m not actively seeking to kill myself, not do I consider myself to be suicidal, but what I do know is that my being here is, in many ways, unfair. I never asked for this, and yet I have to put up with it, because that’s part of being alive. I just don’t know how much longer I can put up with that, which is the reason why I do almost wish I was suicidal. If I was willing to kill myself, I wouldn’t have to put up with this anymore. There are a few things in life that make me happy for a short while- I’m an aspiring actor and I like to call myself a musician- but good things are never meant to last and neither is life. So, answer me this: what’s the point?
Posted at Midnight, June 25th 2016.
10 comments
Very very deep sir. People have always told me that the meaning of life is to leave the world a better place than when you entered. Sounds easy right? Wrong. Those of us on this site know all to well the level of difficulty in accomplishing said task. Depending on the cards you are played in life, it can be impossible to reach such an awesome feat. That is why I have created my own meaning in life. You are to fight and fight and fight and FIGHT because it is the survival of the fittest and I believe the people who are dealt the hardest cards will be the very same poeople who answer lifes riddle.
That’d be ma’am- or something. You don’t have to call me anything like that; the problem with titles like that is that I’m a sixteen year old girl, haha. To what you’ve said about creating our own meaning: I completely agree. My problem is, I know that it all ends. So every action I take seem meaningless, which I suppose it is. My goal isn’t to make an imprint on the world, don’t get me wrong, I’m not out to make people remember me, I just don’t see the point in living when it counts for nothing.
Oh sorry ms? Haha. I feel you though everything feels useless because at the end of your life all you will get on your gravestone is your birth and your death… why fill up the entire gravestone?
Precisely. Seems like a waste of resources to me.
Ditto. Very well said. Good luck with that. Just off. Does it stop? Its a real battle in the brain to stop.
Thank you so much for your kind comments. For me, personally, it comes and goes. If I keep myself occupied, which, being in full time education, isn’t too difficult, (during the day) I can manage to not think about it. Unfortunately, it is always there, even if I don’t think about it, and as soon as I do begin to think about it, usually at night or on days when I’m not ‘occupied’, it’s easy for me to fall apart. Weekends are a lovely break but also a warzone, as you can imagine.
ukedreams, unbelievable you are right in tune, and we could be twins, that is exactly the way i think, you are so close to knowing the enchilada, i really don’t have time to answer this thoroughly,
the reason why we stick around is because it’s our job to survive as predators, that we do, survival is a top priority from our first breath of air. ” So, answer me thi s: what’s the point? “there is no point! everything is meaningless far as the big picture is concerned, we are insignificant far as the universe is concerned, at best we are not needed and irrelevant we just exist through a freak of nature and we will all go away someday, planet will be pulled into the sun whatever, is the truth, back to ” So, answer me this: what’s the point? You as a human being forge your own point, you decide what the point is for existing while you are alive, even though it’s all meaningless, it only matters to you while your alive. so you go with it find a passion such as acting , i myself am a singer, making people smile is my passion, entertaining is my passion it makes me feel good, while i’m alive that’s my purpose for living. after i’m dead nothing matters ” So, answer me this: what’s the point? forge your own point! 🙂
Hi rocketman, thanks so much for your comment. In reply to that last part, where you’ve said ‘forge your own point’, I can’t help but agree. What else are you supposed to do? The problem for me is that I can’t stop looking at the bigger picture despite living a life intensely focused on my personal future. I suppose that is part of the reason why I’m not suicidal. My mindset is: “if I have to put up with this, I might as well make it as good as I can”. I’m sure you share a very similar view.
I think some people deceive themselves into an unrealistic perception of time and morality. Our time on Earth is temporary. I think this scares a lot of people which may be the reason why so many religions and cultures offer afterlife, essentially as a way to live on and escape morality.
Although our lifespan is temporary, the repercussions of our actions for the duration of our conscious existence is permanent. Thereafter they are no longer relevant to us but will remain a factor to others. Like it or not, how we live our life effects others, sometimes unbeknown to us.
Our collective knowledge base is through individuals contributing, technology is advancing so fast that is difficult to foresee what we will learn next. Maybe we will have answers one day to questions that we are thinking now. Discovery takes time but the journey can be rewarding.
I too often think “what’s the point” and that life is futile. Death is certain so why not try to seek enjoyment until then?
Death will happen to us all, suicide is just winding the clock forward.
I agree- the end is inevitable so the best thing to do until then is find a way to enjoy yourself during your lifespan. In an ideal world, that would be simple. Unfortunately, reality gets in the way and you find yourself questioning whether it’s worth the effort. Is the struggle really worth finding something to smile about when you’re going to die anyway? I suppose only the individual asking that question can answer it for themselves. I think that any person who can decide to carry on as normal even when they’re struggling is a strong person. I pride myself in that, and I think more people should.