I’ll be quite honest here. I’m barely holding myself together. My family has such high hopes for me, but I just can’t handle this. As soon as I graduated I was thrown into college, being told “I know you, if you take a break you won’t go back.” Maybe that’s true, but maybe when I imagined college I had dreamed of doing something that involved something I love, like art or music. I never imagined I’d be sitting in a class room with these people who are always over dressed and at least twice my age. I never once thought I’d be a business major. It’s like they clipped my wings and told me I had to be a caterpillar.
I know that from my family and friend’s point of view I’m just so bright and positive, and I am sometimes. The thoughts still linger though, they’re still there. Even if I’m having a great day the thoughts of what it’d be like if I wasn’t here are still there in the back of my mind. It makes me feel horrible, really. My parents deserve a child who isn’t always having mood swings and has to come apologize for the things they say when it comes to an argument. I’ve already apologized to them so much just this week. I mean, apologizing is good, but I wish there wasn’t a need to apologize.
Anyways, I should calm down and finish my work… I have school in a few hours also.
I hope everyone has a good day… and if you can’t have a good day, just have a day.
5 comments
As someone who has been where you are i feel compelled to comment. I went straight to college too, it was the done thing in my family, and as the youngest it wasnt ever discussed, it just was. Not the course i wanted, not the time for me, nothing about it was right but i went because thats what a good child does right? It was horrible for my mental state, i drank every day, barely slept, barely ate, never went to college and spent my days trying to find ways to kill myaelf, it was actually when i came accross here. oddly, this place was the best thing that happened to me. Long story short i left after one year, because i knew i wouldnt be alive after a second year. Now ive a job, not as good as it would have been with a degree but it gives me time to focus on what i want to do with my life, your family gets used to it, as do your friends. tho it can be hard to see yourself as a failure, but thats in your head and you can deal with that. college isnt everything, smart people land on their feet. You have one life man, one brief short life, are you going to allow someone to shove you in a cage with broken wings? you chase your dreams, you set them in your sights and you run those bastards down until you have each and evey one of them in your hands, people will accept you as long as you accept yourself but dont spend your life miserable in a job you hate, just because someone else wants you too, thats insane. Fly you magnificent bastard!
Omg this is positively inspired!
I’m sorry that I didn’t reply. I spent a ton of time studying for my finals… I survived! I’m the first in my family to go to college, honestly. Supposed to be a “good role model” for the little ones in my family. It’s kind of hard, and what you said really inspired me. I’m probably not going to drop it… But I will definitely look to go to a different college when my time is up in this one. thank you so much for your reply. It really did make me feel a bit better. I’ll try to chase my dreams.
Wallflower, i went through same thing you’re going through. It was hard as hell. I couldn’t leave, i finished but fighting with myself and styding drained me a lot emotionaly.
I got upset when i read that you think your parents don’t deserve a child with mood swings, because that is what i was thinking back then. It took many years for me to realise that it’s normal to feel like that when someone expects you to do something, and never cared to listen or ask what is the thing you actually want, what you want to be. Yes, they wish us the best, but road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Think what do you want for yourself. And don’t let go.
Thank you, and I will try to keep my mind set on that. It’s really going to be a hard few years, but I’ll get through it… My mental state probably won’t be well, but at least my grades are good. I’m still holding onto hope for my dreams though.