Someone saw it. A classmate of mine saw the cuts. Actually – thank god – just one, and also not my deepest one.. – thank God for it –
Well she was asking like: “Wow, this looks pretty much like you cut yourself, hahaha! Where’d you get this from?!”
And I, just desperately trying to bring her away from this thought, as I never want anyone to see, especially not her, I dunno, I kinda don’t trust her really, (don’t wanna sound mean though, but unfortunately I have a problem with trusting anyway…), was like: “Huh, where the hell did I got this from?!” I really tried my very best and was acting as good and convincing as I could, and I think – or at least hope – that it was good enough and she doesn’t suspect anything anymore… I mean I’m fortunately really clumsy, so it’s probably not that suspicious…
Still I’m afraid. Of course I am! I mean this is one of my deepest secrets, and this things are part of my true self. Proof of my damaged and insane mind…
And besides I’m desperately trying to keep it hidden from everyone; since more than half a year and it always worked out very well. So tomorrow and the the day after and following too I have to act even happier than before; I’ll just be Miss extremely happy c:
I’m not allowed to show only the slightest bit of sorrow, grief, anger or any other negative emotion in the next days.
Hell, I know I’m overreacting way too much again! But my anxiety is just not going away.
I don’t know, probably she has already forgotten about this incident, I mean as I already mentioned I’m really clumsy and I tried to act as well as I could so actually it should be alright and forgotten but there is still this little, constant voice in my head, that keeps on questioning me “And what if not?! What do you do when this is not the case?! What if she DID recognise what it was?! What then, you stupid idiot? Gonna kill yourself and go to hell?! You’re WEAK, *****! So incredible WEAK and PATHETIC! You’re a wretched creature that shouldn’t be living here anymore, causing only trouble to others. Go. Do it. Don’t hesitate any longer. At least punish yourself for all those things you did today! And all the other days! You don’t deserve any better.”
Just go to hell yourself, voice!
Well guys I’m sorry for it but do you have perhaps some advice in general what to answer, what to say if someone sees the cuts. I’m really worried about others seeing it, I always was, but this kinda made it worse, so really what is a convincing lie for cuts? I seriously can’t come up with the slightest idea…
And also do you have methods to hide them? I stopped cutting on my shoulder, as it is really hard to hide them there when I have to go to the docto or something, so I’m cutting my wrists again, just also before. Of course I have many bracelets and also mostly long sleeves if it’s not too suspicious… But they get out of place sometimes even though I’m careful with it, just as today, so what to do?