It’s hard when the only thing that you truly long for is to disappear, to just not be. This option is not open to me, although it’s a sweet dream I know I won’t take that road. I can’t. I wish I could. I’m not scared, not afraid I’d fail or afraid of what comes after or anything. I’m not free to do it. I can’t get myself to ignore what it would do to those who know me, to my family. No one is close but the distance only brings more pain and questions when someone disappears. It would crush my dad. Those who try to be my friends will feel like they should have done more even though I’d push them away. Those who let me push them away will regret not hanging on, even though it will have nothing to do with them. Neighbors will wonder if they should have seen it coming. I can’t live with that (pon intended), I wish I could detach myself from it but I can’t. So I live.
I am a successful professional. I make decent money. I even get to do a job I love and be my own boss. I’m appreciated by my clients and my colleagues. In fact I’ve always been good at what I do, apart from life itself of course. I was good in school, not studious but learning easily; I was good at my old job, advanced positions without aiming to; I was good at listening, good at teaching, good at coaching. Now in my specialty I’m recognized again as skilled and insightful; I get invitations, am being asked to teach future professionals, get to sit and chat with the “big names”. Skill, success, recognition, and people trying to be of support. Yet the self loathing still wins; aloneness still triumphs. When I get too good at something I quit, when I get close to a goal I find excuses to fail. Every day is a fight, a fight that I don’t want to fight but one I am stuck in.
I have no right to be suicidal, nothing in my life justifies it. Thus I talk to this page because I cannot talk to anyone else, because it makes no sense, because I have no reason to die and yet cannot get myself to want to live.
3 comments
Two quotes from what you wrote:
“I am a successful professional. I make decent money. I even get to do a job I love and be my own boss. I’m appreciated by my clients and my colleagues. In fact I’ve always been good at what I do, … I was good in school, not studious but learning easily; I was good at my old job, advanced positions without aiming to; I was good at listening, good at teaching, good at coaching. Now in my specialty I’m recognized again as skilled and insightful; I get invitations, am being asked to teach future professionals, get to sit and chat with the “big names”.
… and …
“When I get too good at something I quit, when I get close to a goal I find excuses to fail. ”
It seems that you’ve been much more successful than you’re giving yourself credit for. On one hand, you acknowledge your hard work. On the other, you take away some of the credit that you gave yourself.
Have you thought about where the hiccup lies? How long have you felt this way? Was there something traumatic that happened? You don’t need to answer those questions here, of course.
I am glad that you’ve found reasons (your dad, your friends, and your neighbors) to keep going. There is one person in my life who I keep moving forward for. It’s important to have a reason to keep going, regardless of what it is.
You have every right to feel as you do. While I’d strongly suggest that suicide isn’t the answer, there are undoubtedly things going on that cause stress and other emotions. Everyone, including you, has the right to feel as they do.
This is a supportive site and community. It’s good that you found it. When there is no one to talk to, there is always this page and the support of people here.
Wow, I feel the same way about myself! For me, it’s like you know you’re successful, you know you’re a good person, but just don’t feel it.
I can only assume that you think that nothing in your life “justifies” being suicidal from an outside perspective/point of view. Because – rightly or wrongly – justified or not – you DO have the “right” to “be suicidal”. It’s a right and choice no one can “take” from you – they can only offer an opinion … but then, they don’t have to live inside your head so their opinion is effectively irrelevant.
If you don’t have a counselor or a therapist – might I suggest looking into these options – it sounds to me like you may have something going on that requires some medical intervention – forgive me if I’m wrong or overstepping – I’m just trying to offer an objective opinion but I don’t get the felling from what you’ve written, that you can control this mood/feeling.
In the mean time, can I suggest, instead of trying to focus on the overwhelming goal of “living”, that you instead focus on shorter term goals? Take things a step at a time and don’t worry about the aggregate long term in it’s totality – just try to get through the nest term or month or week or even day – then when you reach that milestone – move the goal post a tad further down the road.
options dawg