What happened to suicide?
What happened to everyone?
It’s like I’m in Jr. High.
Where did the heart go?
Diversity?
This place isn’t home.
My family gone.
I’m tired of watching as everyone focuses on juvenile topics.
When there are people like me, and others that need more attention than others.
Yet everyone doesn’t care.
They say they do.
If they really did, then I don’t see it I haven’t for several weeks.
See, people like me are left in the shadows as everyone parties.
When that one heart felt, blunt comments could save one of us from falling off the edge.
You say you miss someone when they trun up missing, but do you really?
If they come back you hardly notice.
I’m ashamed to be here.
It’s childish.
And I don’t want to be a mother.
I stopped focusing on everyone here.
Because I’m suicidal.
And it’s not a joke.
Yet not a lot of people get the picture.
Then I realized as watching that the people who need someone to talk to the most get little to no attention. While the people who party get all of the attention.
If you want to party every day, take it somewhere else.
I don’t care if you’re bringing positivity in here, but do it in moderation.
Be sensible.
It’s pathetic.
And now I’m done
I’m threw.
SP used to give me a reason to live. But that’s no longer the case.
See I’m suicidal and I can’t fill anyones cup because mine is empty.
You don’t get it and probably never will.
Grow up.
We’re talking about life and death.
Some of us are completely serious.
So get off of your bum and reach out to someone.
Some of us can’t change a lot of what we struggle with. Weather it be suicide, depression, or life events.
See, you could have saved me.
And maybe others.
Stop stealing the spot light.
Share it.
I’m tired of feeling like I have to post several times a day just to get someone to talk to me. And lately when someone does reply it’s pathetic.
I’m sure other people have felt the same way.
Everyone deserves to be recognized equally here.
Not this bull shit where most of the members lurk, and get left out of the picture.
I’m done.
I’m fucking done.
21 comments
The tone of this community changes depending on who’s around. I’m sorry if you feel left out. I’m more of a casual commenter myself so I’m not online that much, but I know what you mean when the same people put up multiple posts on the front page that have nothing to do with suicide. It is true that many stories go unnoticed when this happens. I’m all for folks trying to cheer up themselves or others, but if each author could try to keep it down to no more than one individual post on the front page that’s unrelated to suicide… However, it’s up to the Administration as to how they want this site to run.
Hi,
You make alot of valid points. I know I’m not using a serious username but recently I changed it. I was NIIL before.
Honestly I haven’t been through nearly as much as you. I don’t feel i can write anything of substance. I can try but i know I’m not going to do a thing. Seriously, if there was a *sticky* option, this post should be right up there.
Everyone should read this. While it is ok to party here, i also feel that alot of posts go ignored, while posts from more ‘popular’ people are read. Bad terminology i used there. Ok, so there may be the occasional troll here. But we must assume that said person isn’t a troll and offer help and advice.
Everyone’s pain is pain, including yours.
There are people offing themselves in posts while people are throwing parties in posts. Yes I’m guilty of this too. Don’t ignore posts. Even if you don’t know what to say, let them.know that you listened…
Not everyone will see things the way another person does…
Messy post of mine…
I know that feeling. I’m extremely careful to try to write my posts in such a way that I convey most of what’s relevant to my mindset and situation during the time of the post. I’ve thrown around my email on numerous occasions for people that say they need somebody to talk to, or to people who say they’ll talk to me when I’m in need. I have yet to get a single message.
People have been good to me on my past posts here, however, I do know what you mean. Some popular girl on the forums can get upwords of 80 replies to a selfie and mediocre problems compared to others who desperately need attention and somebody who cares.
But please, I haven’t been around in quite a long while, and others here care as well. Please don’t kill yourself because the regulars seem to be…. off topic, to put it kindly. People are still here for you and others.
In my opinion, ‘mediocre problems’ would be for example
‘I don’t have the latest car!!!’
‘I don’t have an ipod!!!’
Some problems may just be mediocre to you, but to the person who wrote it, they are significant.
Problems should not be placed into categories. Neither should pain. That doesn’t mean that certain problems are less significant. It just means that a problem is a problem, and that empathy should be shown towards to the OP.
Take me for example, i would rather not use myself as an example. Ok, yes recently i changed my name to a non-serious one. But behind this name and pandaren, I’m still hurt and suffering. Even that many just see my hurt as ‘insignificant’, heck I’ve even been abused on here. I know what people think. Not always. Being a weakling with no interest in life is very difficult for men like many people i am wearing a mask constantly pretending. Its exhausting. Debilitating. And I’m deteriorating.
But I’m sure many people just see a whiny coward. Guess i didn’t fit the ‘didn’t have a difficult enough life’ category.
My parents had a much more difficult life than me, and i can acknowledge this.
I know many who have, and acknowledge that.
Nobody actually has to write ‘whiny coward’. I get vibes…
I don’t want any more advice.
Sorry for my wall of text
Beaubri I don’t know what to say. I don’t feel i have anything of substance to write to you. You are actually on my mind alot. And that you have to cut to try and cope with pain, maybe that was a cry for help in itself. I’m sorry i posted off-topic stuff on your post. I want you to know that I do read your posts. Honestly, i am also fed up with people claiming to care even on here when they don’t. I hope you are not offing yourself.
Hi, Bri. This site can have a style that varies. The underlying reason for everyone being here is quite dark. For many who stay (and hundreds have moved on), this site becomes a place where they can share more than just a serious side. In the four years or so that I’ve been here, I’ve been fortunate to get to know some good people. We’ve shared our worst moments… and it was thanks to them that I experienced some better moments.
You make some valid points. At its core, this site is designed for visitors to receive support. The off-topic banter probably shouldn’t consume all the energy of the site. It could focus everyone’s energy away from those who come here in moments of personal challenge and struggle.
There might be times in which people reading don’t know what to say. Or perhaps it’s a quiet time period for the site. And yes, there are times when people might be distracted. I have had my moments in which I’ve been distracted, too. Please don’t take those moments personally. They’re certainly not directed at you as an individual.
I do hope that you don’t leave this site. Even more, I hope that what you’re struggling with becomes manageable and eventually diminishes.
You’re 22 years old. Your life has been one huge pile of crap. You feel as if there is nothing you can do about it. Your forever doomed to live the way you always have. Damn, that sounds like a John Lee Hooker blues song! Sweet!
I’ll never get out of these blues alive
No, I’ll never, I’ll never get out of these blues alive
Well, she gone and left me
I don’t know what I’ll do the rest of my life
Drinking black coffee and smoking cigarettes
Drinking black coffee, yeah and smoking cigarettes all night
Never get out of these blues alive
And can’t see no use to even try
I’ll never get out of these blues alive
No, I’ll never, I’ll never get out of these blues alive
She gone and left me
Says, she’ll never come back home
I’ll never come out of these blues alive
No, I’ll never, I’ll never come out of these blues alive
She gone and left me; I don’t know what I’ll do the rest of my life
Working up a sweat all night long and jumping over my bed
Oh yeah, sweatin’ all night long and jumping over my bed
Well, I’ll never, never come out of these blues alive
I can’t see no use to try
Gonna have the blues till the day I die
Oh yeah!
OK Bri, my name is Jack. My friends call me Blind Jack; Blind Jack Cotton. I’m an old bluesman. 50 years old. I’ll turn 51 in July… if I live that long. Every day is a struggle. Indeed. If you need to talk, I’m here.
Hi Beaubri,
I’m so sorry you’re hurting today. I’ve read many of your posts and I know that you are a beautiful compassionate soul. I’m usually on here at some point daily but not all the time. Last night I was kind of depressed by some of the silly banter but I guess if it helps others survive than so be it. I’m guilty of reading posts and remaining silent simply bc I can’t always think of something useful to say. All I can say is I’m hurting today too and I hear you. I understand if you need to leave SP but I hope you don’t. It’s not always bad and your bravery and spunk encouraged many people on here. I was wondering about you. Wondering how the new job was going. I hope you’re ok and I hope you feel better soon. Hugs.
So…what are you suggesting? The only posters here should be ones who are ready to do it, have the means to do it, and will go in about an hour and that’s it. A site purely made with grim, suicide notes. Maybe even as short as possible so we don’t consume all the ink. Hey maybe I can even make a Romanian version! I will tell you about that woman who committed suicide by drinking her own blood because she was denied the chance to live her life. And many more happy stories : the 22 year old brunette girl who jumped in front of the subway in Bucharest because “she couldn’t bear to live in this world any longer”(2011). Or the twin boys who killed themselves in my neighborhood years ago. Using a knife if i remember correctly. Or the 18 year old boy who hanged himself because .. love or another because he didn’t get enough good grades at the end of highschool. And more.
Now back to you Leanne. They are already gone. There’s nothing you could possibly give to a person like Twix This Rainbow to change her mind. If there is someone who could have helped her, it’s not us. It’s someone who actually could..and did not do it. Oh and there is another person who will kill herself i suspect in no more than one week. Keep an eye for her. Can you help her? Will you? If you can’t help her even if you’re in the same country, how could I? How could Cordless help anyone? She’s disabled. As well as having enough money(oh there’s that word again) to pay for their suicide, or a shrink to prescribe them the dose, they know and accept certain things and nothing could change their direction. It’s a cold and logical decision.
So my replies were pathetic?! You know i put myself out there with my pathetic replies so a lot of people who just sit and watch will see how pathetic i am in trying to show you i care. I remember saying goodbye but you appeared and said you are going to kill yourself. This time though, I won’t even say goodbye when I leave. I can only work with what i have. And i have little to none. My cup is empty as well. And i’m too poor first of all to actually reach to someone where I am now. Can you reach out to someone? You live in the US. No one gives a shit on you no matter their situation if you can’t buy them anything. Some come to feed on my already dead carcass. No, that was before when I actually had more money(shit i’ve done it again..). It’s like Phantom said : Greed. Sorry Phantom. I wanted to tell you something last night but I bailed. I was afraid of being labeled as a religious lunatic so I didn’t reply.
Off-Topic:
Yes 2 days ago someone invited me to his place and i didn’t go. Why? Because he did it before. Because he’ll do the same as before : won’t answer the door after he gets tired of me after a day or two. And i am tired of their foolish games. He won’t answer the door anymore. But these people are not fakes they do help i have seen it. Even if some post off-topics(like me). You mean you don’t like my Video Game Music Video? I grabbed 4 trailers from their website and mixed them with a nice track. I had to install Cyberlink PowerDirector 11 for that. My PC had to work to shit that music-video mix out. There’s a Russian girl who posts on Youtube as well but hers are cooler than mine. I can’t play that game that’s for sure! A different mentality i get it. I shouldn’t be here.
Well..Guess there’s no room for screwing around anymore eh? Not even in cyberspace. Sorry i made this my home for a while. Yes we’re in the shit. And many more will die don’t worry.
I don’t think there’s a problem screwing around. If others here hadn’t helped add some light to my darkness, I’m not sure where I’d be today. When I found this place a few years back, I was an even bigger new than I am today.
This is a community. It’s not always going to strictly be on-topic. Will it generally be on-topic? Of course. But I don’t think an all-serious, all-the-time style would help this site… or the people here.
It’s about balance. If everyone is distracted with one post or another while others’ posts are ignored, that’s a problem. So I think, as a community, we need to be mindful that others are struggling. We’re struggling, too, or we wouldn’t be here.
Try not to take personally what others here say about you or your posts. On a site built around a topic like suicide, there’s going to be some negativity. Nobody here is more or less pathetic than anyone else here.
> I was an even bigger MESS than I am today.
Gotta love auto-correct…
Yes… I stopped caring. If all I can get is a place to post my thoughts anonymously, that’s fine. I don’t expect the comfort I’m desperately seeking anymore. I’m just not meant to have it, it seems. The faster I understand that and get used to it, the better.
You know something, I do read a good amount of these things, and I would comment and say that I’ve read their post, just so that they don’t feel alone, but I suck with advice giving for situations like these… It’s sad in a way, I won’t be able to truly relate to how many of you feel….
However, it’s come to my attention through someone that hasn’t posted here in a long while, that sometimes just coming in and saying that you read it isn’t enough. This person left SP because she felt like she wasn’t getting proper advice like she used to……
I post stories (even though I do vent on occasion) as a way to kinda take the edge off, so to speak.. It’s the only way I can connect here, the only way I can truly relate to anyone, through the characters in my stories…
So I do agree with you, that posts like these should be taken with a grain of salt, but there are many lurkers as well who login and don’t post and comment, and for them posting and commenting is so freaking difficult… because they, like me, want to say something heartfelt and warming and comforting and relevant to the post, but it’s just not as easy as people like Hazy or Trix or Tristeza make/made it look sometimes….
I can understand the person’s reasons for leaving. At the same time, it’s disheartening. I wish this person was getting the answers and support they needed. Sometimes the help I read that’s directed at others is also helpful to me.
Some if our personal situations might be more complex than others. No, it’s not a contest as to who has the most complex situation. I mention this because sometimes it’s not easy for others to offer advice about a given circumstance. Every circumstance undoubtedly has a solution. It’s just that sometimes the solution can take some effort to find. Frustrating.
Even the professionals don’t have the answers to everything that I’m tackling (or, said better, everything that’s tackling me). In the meantime, I do the best I can to make it to the next day. I can only hope that the solution will become apparent at some point.
Sometimes all I can do here is acknowledge a post, let them know we’re here for them, and let them know we’re in a judge-free zone here. Sometimes, until the solution becomes clear, the best we can do is be supportive.
As a side note, mindlessgamer619, I’ve read many of your comments. Just like this one, they’re often insightful and supportive.
@distant.road, thanks for that. You’re comments are very well thought out and quite helpful for the OP involved, just wanted to let you know.
beaubri,
This isn’t the “beaubri Suicide project” There are a bunch of people on here! they all have problems! Me included This isn’t the “Rocketman Suicide project” either! i’m going to make this short and to the point.
1.) i’ve been here for year’s and people still don’t like me! 🙂
2.) all this site can do is listen and give some advice, it can’t work miracles.
3.) my problems and yours seem big to us but everyone feels the same way about theirs everyone is equal here.
4.) Sorry if i haven’t paid a lot of attention to your’s i thought you were doing fine actually, posting you daily antics.
5.) and don’t take this wrong but you require a lot of attention, “your starving for it” That is something you should work on controlling a bit, or go on you tube and produce your own show the life and times of beaubri. Who know’s it might be a hit? 🙂
I will say I read this entire thread. Beauri, I’m so sorry you are in this place. I am hoping you are okay this morning. I have been struggling with my own personal empathy this week. I got attacked on SP earlier this week and had the wind taken out of my helper sails this week. I hadn’t realized how much getting personally attacked here would affect me. So I’ve been steering clear and trying my best to process that kind of feeling. I have no one to blame for myself because I took the bait and said something. I shouldn’t have commented unless I was wearing my big girl pants. I should have just ignored it like I typically do, but the folks on here, this forum as a whole, means quite a lot to me. That said, this morning I have quite a lot to say on this topic.
There are ways people deal with mental illness. Silly posts are a way many people deal with the grinding deep hole their soul is currently residing in. I can gravitate towards that kind of way of dealing with my own mental illness. It is far preferable to talk about hilarious topics than deal with the state my life and mental health has sunk to. There have been days that I just cannot handle one more serious thing in my life. Where doing so would pull that one critical jenga block out of the tower and bring the whole game tumbling to the floor. So I need to be able to just ignore the fact that my personal life is a trainwreck and talk about something that I know won’t make me dwell on the jenga tower that is currently my life.
Folks here have been doing their best to set up one thread to blow off silly steam in. I find that an appropriate way to deal with how they work through their own personal struggles. The fact is that there just aren’t a lot of folks here lately that want to hash out intellectual things. They come and go for sure and sometimes there are a group here hashing out really deep topics or discussing their own personal mental health struggles, but we can’t force folks to deal with their mental health issues the same way I do or any other person does. This site is very organic that way.
So people post music (I do this, just so people can listen to something nice or perhaps find some new thing to get them through the night) or artwork (I do that as well) or poetry (guilty too) or writing. I will say that when folks post their artwork, poetry, writing or music this is a very personal thing meant to give a piece of themselves to the forum. Music and other creative outlets come from deep within the person. Even if it is a silly cartoon or pointless landscape, it is something they create and feel so strong about they can’t help but share it with the folks that have come to mean something to them.
There are people who post and never comment at all. Those are just as important as the folks that blow up the forum with comments on every post (aside from trolls of course) or write gigantic walls of text (hey look this is a gigantic wall of text!) supporting the topic or the person. It is all part of this organic thing called SP. Which changes and evolves. The admins are around. Trust me, they are here. If you feel that things are out of hand take action and report to post. If you feel this forum is going in directions you hate then take personal action. It’s like voting, if you don’t vote you can’t complain about the leadership because you took no personal action. If you feel that things are going against the rules then take action yourself. This forum is formed by the people who contribute, and contributing is a lot of different things. Reading the posts I would say is the biggest way to contribute and who’s to say that folks that are silly don’t read every single post every day and feel deeply for what is being said even if they are not commenting. Lack of comment is necessarily lack of caring. They may not be able to bear commenting, much like my life of jenga pieces, admitting they empathize with the poster may take that last jenga piece out of the game and cause them to come crashing down.
Back to the OP. Beaubri, I’m hoping you are doing better today. It can be disheartening to need human contact and feel like an outsider looking in at a party that I don’t want to be part of, yet wish I could be part of. It can feel like middleschool all over again. I have had days where there is a thread of insanity going on and I wish I was in that headspace but I just am not. So I go to another thread and begin casting lures for someone who is in the same headspace I’m in. Sometimes I get zero bites, but sometimes I find someone who wants to talk to me on the level I need. Sometimes it takes leaving your own post and casting around for someone to talk with. I know when I do this I may be saving a life on some level, or I may find a new friend. It’s hard beaubri to do that, I struggle with it many nights. Sometimes I just sit and read, on nights like that I avoid the party because it is painful to watch people have fun, but they need that, they need that as much as I need to be able to cast around for someone to talk to about certain topics.
HOLY COW. I’ll shut up now.
HDS
I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I work my ass off in a shitty job where shitty customers treat me like shit every single day and I don’t get any fucking sleep, and there’s no predictability to it whatsofuckingever.
I am dirt poor and haven’t been in a relationship for 7 years.
I have a personality disorder that makes every irl conversation excruciatingly painful, embarrassing, difficult.
I come here for a little relief. Because this is the one place I’m not gonna be reminded of what’s wrong with me.
Is that real enough for you?
I honestly think your attitude is spoilt as fuck. People comment on your post, I even tried to compliment you, and all you do is complain that the site isn’t all about you.
Fuck that.
Sorry beaubri
You’re hurting, and I get your point and am guilty of using the site for somewhat lighthearted purposes.
I should have sent you a hug instead. Sorry.
Hug
If any of my posts have ever upset you, I apologize.
I blow off steam here by trying to have fun in ways I just can’t in real life.
It’s like therapy for me.
I never intended for it to hurt anyone, or to steal time or space from anyone.
I’m sorry.
I would stop posting altogether if that’s what it would take for you to stay.
Hi beaubri,
I’m sorry you feel you left out or that your posts were overlooked. Hopefully this rant just came at a really down time for you, and you can see it from others’ perspectives later also.
I do notice, however, that sometimes there will be a serious post where someone is pouring their soul out and it gets 3 comments trying to help or even give just passing support while the next post has 30 comments full of inside jokes that only the most prevalent posters will get. It’s not intended to be exclusionary, but I can see how it might feel like that. I personally just see it as some people’s coping mechanism…some people use humor or distraction to get through depression…others not so much, but because we’re all wired different…I wouldn’t say that makes their behavior offensive or inappropriate.
I am not a prevalent poster. I lurk and read a lot in depression here. I read a lot of the stories and pain here and a lot of it makes me cry often…not only because it hurts to be able to relate so much, but because I am a highly empathetic person and I hurt direly for the poster. This high level of empathy also leads to mistreatment/being walked on a lot in the real world for me but that’s another story. Anyway, it’s very hard for me to post comments after reading other people’s posts. I know it doesn’t really ‘help’ anyone to just read and appreciate their posts without giving the author any acknowledgement. My thing is: please stay, because posts like yours do mean something…even if people like me aren’t commenting. If there is a value in just venting and getting your frustrations out by voicing them, please stay and continue to do it. Even though it’s hard and a lot of these posts do make me break down a bit, my continuing to read them is good because it makes me feel not so alone in the world. And for that I thank you. You’ve been kind in your posts and appreciate commenters to your posts often, but know there are those who do want to help and better you and support you that are just laden with their own issues that prevent them from posting. I’m not ignoring you, just valuing you from afar.
I’ll retreat back to my cave now, heh.
Sincerely,
Atlas
I know how you’re feeling because, I too have felt some annoyance at the joking posts, and you are always very kind and helpful in your comments beaubri, but you can’t determine how other people cope. You can’t say “some people don’t have problems as bad as mine because they are posting humorous things.” If I was never humorous in my life and only sat and focused on my problems and that was my only coping strategy, I would have been dead already. Sometimes the people joking and posting pointless/ silly posts are the ones in the most pain and they just want to be in the community where there are people who feel the same as them but don’t want to post about being sad all the time. I will say that often times the posts that get the most comments are people who are here a lot and are people joking around. And to be honest, I don’t really get a lot of people’s sense of humor on here, but the thing is I am one member of the community and I don’t set the tone for the entire community. I do not get to determine whose problems are real and who is really suicidal (which honestly you don’t even have to be actively suicidal to be on here.) I do not get to determine what others post. I do not get to criticize how other people cope and neither do you. I know you’re needing support right now and I’m sorry, but you’re not the only one who needs support and you’re not the only member of this community. I will admit I felt more supported when I first joined last year and that the content was more serious, but it is an ever-changing community with diverse people with diverse coping skills,