What is a distortion like me called?

Just what exactly does what life want out of me? Why don’t I get out of suffering even when I can? I meditated today after a long time. It was so peaceful and fulfilling. But I, purely consciously and deliberately, right in the middle, crashed it all up, torn it all up. I just couldn’t handle the peace! What the hell is wrong with me? What do I want? Is all this suffering not enough? I must be either mad or the most fucked up crooked donkey of a person on earth. (You know the property of a donkey? He gets fat in winter and starved in spring. That’s because in spring the grass is all around him and he can’t make up his mind where or what to eat and end up starved. While in winter grass is scarce so he eats with single-mindedness and remains happy.) I will never be free because I don’t want to be free. I am doomed.