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Depawhaaat and TMS

by whydoiwantto

So it’s almost 5 am where I live and I can’t sleep. I feel like a failure. I tried to make things better. I went to the psychiatrist and got meds, been to therapy every week, I am even trying to get insurance approval for TMS… I went to work every day like I’m supposed to. But nothing seems to be improving. If anything, the depakote makes me feel so numb, like everything is grey. I feel like I’m just jumping through hoops, going through the motions.

But I am hopeful about the TMS. It’s the only thing left I haven’t tried besides ECT. I wonder if it works what it would be like, coming out of a depression after so long… I feel like I’ve wasted so much time. I feel like so many years have been taken from me. I want it back and if TMS does that, I feel like it would be a second chance at life. This is the first time I’ve felt hopeful in a very long time.

But I have to wait a while to find out if I get approved. In the meantime the suicidal thoughts are just too much. I keep taking the meds as prescribed to try and block everything out but the depression never goes away. It seems to be a part of me.

I’m sorry for rambling. I am all over the place tonight.

Love to all, keep fighting…

6 comments
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6 comments

Randall 5/8/2016 - 5:49 am

This is just a thought, but what would happen if I stopped fighting and beating off depression. The quote or theory is; What you resist, persists. What would happen if I stopped resisting. Dive in to this depression without all the medication and thinking that I HAVE TO GET RID OF IT.
I just googled TMS. Interesting drug free way. I’d never heard of it. Keep us posted on how it works.

Lev 5/8/2016 - 6:01 am

Good to hear this new treatment prospect has brought you some hope! This is the first time I have heard of TMS. Depakote is my staple med in my own treatment – it’s a curious substance to say the least.

rivets 5/8/2016 - 9:19 am

TMS is a lot like ECT. In fact, the two have a similar profile for results. TMS is probably the best option considering the side effects ECT can have. I hope you get approval and it winds up helping you.

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/8/2016 - 9:44 am

I went to a seminar on TMS last spring. It is pretty new and they are finding some really interestings things about it. For some it is the only thing that works. I will say TMS does not use current but instead strong magnits. It looks to be really promising for folks that have absolutely tried everything else.

I hope you get approved. I used to be on depakote, I totally understand that grey feeling.

Cordless 5/8/2016 - 4:25 pm

I had to Google TMS to find out what it was.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transcranial_magnetic_stimulation

Interesting.

October_rain 5/8/2016 - 4:28 pm

I thought it stood for “too much sauce”, like too much hot sauce burnin’ you up.

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