So it’s almost 5 am where I live and I can’t sleep. I feel like a failure. I tried to make things better. I went to the psychiatrist and got meds, been to therapy every week, I am even trying to get insurance approval for TMS… I went to work every day like I’m supposed to. But nothing seems to be improving. If anything, the depakote makes me feel so numb, like everything is grey. I feel like I’m just jumping through hoops, going through the motions.
But I am hopeful about the TMS. It’s the only thing left I haven’t tried besides ECT. I wonder if it works what it would be like, coming out of a depression after so long… I feel like I’ve wasted so much time. I feel like so many years have been taken from me. I want it back and if TMS does that, I feel like it would be a second chance at life. This is the first time I’ve felt hopeful in a very long time.
But I have to wait a while to find out if I get approved. In the meantime the suicidal thoughts are just too much. I keep taking the meds as prescribed to try and block everything out but the depression never goes away. It seems to be a part of me.
I’m sorry for rambling. I am all over the place tonight.
Love to all, keep fighting…