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Gold Flakes in my poo.

by Alan Ominous

Drink enough gold schlager you can too.

All jokes aside. I don’t drink. Read this in an optimistic tone: things suck right now. They’ve sucked for awhile. Maybe they always will. Who knows? You surely don’t. If you’re the religious type, Bible says path to heaven is narrow and hard to find. Not sure that’s my flavor. Point is, living a good fulfilling life is hard as fuck.

I see a lot of people ask, I’ve asked myself even, why bother? Why not? See you and I , we’re the same. Everyday, we stare death in his face and say “fuck you! Bring it knob gobbler!” So what could you fear? What should I fear. What most call a near miss, we call a near success. I did some crazy reaching out today. I had 100% success. If I failed so what?

I know. 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days from now… I’ll be here to pity myself. Really, regardless of y’all love for me, it’s ultimately on me to soldier on. To remember spitting in deaths face. Tempting him to take me. Alas he won’t. Not yet. Until then, the fuck you or anyone going to do? Beat me? Ha, I love the pain. Rob me? I’m broke as fuck. Say something mean? Dude, I try killing myself on the regular. Kill me? Good luck, seriously, please get my whole face in front of the gun.

There’s a few things I can do. Maybe. Maybe not. I’m just going to do my best not to sweat it. Really worst case I got like 50 years of this shit left. Maybe more or less.

My point is, much as whiskered fish has already spoke on, we are our biggest threat. We can’t run or hide from ourselves. Have mercy on the planet if that inward hatred ever turns outward.


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Morris 5/6/2016 - 7:54 pm

I didn’t eat my 1st meal until 5:00 PM yesterday. I had a bunch of stuff to do and eating didn’t fit into the schedule. Eventually I went to an Applebee’s, sat down at the bar, ordered a beer and looked at the menu. I selected an eight ounce USDA Sirloin steak (medium-rare), with the macaroni & cheese and rice as my two sides.
The steak was perfect, words cannot express how divine that dead cow tasted. A few bites in and I thought “this is the meaning of life. Eating steak while seated at the bar”. There was a woman across the bar from me glancing in my direction, that enhanced the dining experience as well. There were maybe 20 TV’s in there too so I could keep myself occupied without having to interact with anyone other than the server.

My point is the steak was excellent.

So today I had a 6 ounce Sirloin steak and it hit the spot too. I think I might eat nothing but steak for the indeterminate future, why not? Life is short so you might as well eat tasty food. I can’t say I’ll eat steak and get drunk every night for the rest of my life, but every day that I do counts as a win.

mysteriousvisitor 5/6/2016 - 8:07 pm

Oh geez, now I want steak. And I only eat beef once, maybe twice a month.

Alan Ominous 5/6/2016 - 8:15 pm

That’s beautiful. That’s uplifting. To quote Dennis Leary “I take every day one beer at a time, I take every beer one sip at a time” also, another memorable quote “meat taste like murder, and murder taste pretty damn good.”

Morris 5/6/2016 - 8:26 pm

Thanks, I was trying to tie into that whole “what’s the meaning of life” question that seems to be puzzling much of humanity.

I suppose the answer varies depending on who you ask. Different individuals will answer in accordance with their beliefs. For me it’s “simple pleasures”. Eating, learning, sleeping, traveling, making money, freedom, orgasms and beer. (In no particular order).

Alan Ominous 5/6/2016 - 8:33 pm

Are you a Dennis Leary fan? If you’ve never seen his stand up check out “No Cure For Cancer”. Your thought trail meshes well. As he says ” happiness is a 5 second orgasm, or a cigarette, or a cookie. You have the orgasm, eat the cookie, smoke a butt, go to sleep , wake up and go to work. Why? Because that’s life.”

Morris 5/6/2016 - 8:42 pm

I know who Dennis Leary is but I haven’t really checked out his back-catalog.
You’ve referenced Mitch Hedberg before, I’m a huge fan of his. (I was born 2 days after him). It’s funny how many people who were born within a week of me were also addicts who died relatively young. (Bradley from Sublime was born 2 days before Hedberg, Kurt Cobain 2 days and 1 year before him). Tortured artists – what a cliche.

Alan Ominous 5/6/2016 - 8:49 pm

so true. If I recall, Bradley was clean and sober for a minute, got married and had a massive heart attack on his wedding day right?

Morris 5/6/2016 - 8:54 pm

Bradley accidentally overdosed on heroin in a hotel room in San Francisco. They had just recorded the self-titled album that would make them famous, but the album was released posthumously.

If he was “clean and sober” he must’ve relapsed.

Alan Ominous 5/6/2016 - 9:03 pm

Right you are. Mostly. Apparently he avoided drugs for quite some time before trying them though. Overdose a week after his marriage.

Morris 5/6/2016 - 9:26 pm

The whole thing is pretty sad. I hate sounding sappy, but imagine being married, having a new-born child, being a talented singer-songwriter in a band that’s about to make millions, then you die from a heroin overdose. It’s like the plot from a depressing fucking movie.

Read the Wikipedia entry. He was so deep into his addiction that he was kicked out of the recording studio near the end of when they recorded ‘Sublime’. He would pawn the musical instruments for drug money, knowing the producer would pay the pawn shop to get ’em back (so they could finish recording).

Alan Ominous 5/6/2016 - 9:31 pm

Amazing how common that is. To pawn an instrument. Hendrix, Clapton, Keef Richards.. all guilty.

I’ve never tried that particular dragon, but it’s cultivated in my mind. All my “heroes” overdose

Morris 5/6/2016 - 9:38 pm

Yeah, heroin is on my bucket list too. I’ve definitely experimented but I’ve never tried H. I wanna see if the hype lives up to the experience.

I’ll probably try heroin for the first time when I’m 60. Maybe I’ll score at a retirement home.

Alan Ominous 5/6/2016 - 9:52 pm

Skunky Pines Retirement and Recreational Drug Center.

Morris 5/6/2016 - 10:15 pm

Sounds good.
You play the guitar in the retirement home house party band, and I’ll find some hawt grandmas to get in the mosh pit after we all get doped up.
Sex, drugs and rock-n-roll for the neer-do-well senior citizens.


rocketman 5/6/2016 - 9:12 pm

Alan Ominous, i take drugs, prince took drugs, the moral to the story is be careful when taking drugs or poof you will disappear! yeah you know as well as i life sucks at times, it is suppose too! oh well! move on tomorrow may not suck! 🙂 tomorrow you might have 3 girls trapped in your camper doing terrible things to your body! 🙂 isn’t that worth waiting for? the good times 🙂 that’s what life is all about.

Alan Ominous 5/6/2016 - 9:27 pm

I don’t like the drugs but the drugs like me….

rocketman 5/6/2016 - 9:35 pm

Alan Ominous, True just be careful your not indestructible, reminds me of what Kieth Richards said when asked if he had a drug problem.

” I don’t have a drug problem I have a police problem! 🙂

Cordless 5/6/2016 - 11:29 pm

I always wondered if Goldschlager would do that….

Also, you may be the first person here to use the term “knob gobbler” in a post.

Have a lovely weekend. 🙂

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