Hope can be the worst thing in the world.

For about six weeks, things were actually going pretty good. I found a job, after six months without full-time work. I started running again several days a week, which clears my mind and stabilizes my mood in a way that nothing else can (I can’t swim, for instance, and I hate lifting weights because of all the pauses where my thoughts can creep back in). I went two whole weeks without wishing I was dead, for probably the first time in a couple years.

And then a week ago I hurt my knee and had to stop running. A few days after that I got into a squabble with a roommate and then a fight with a friend. And then today I discovered that I was wrong about my job, which I thought would be challenging work but consistent hours and focused on one area. It turns out the company is making a huge push toward a late July deadline. Today the engineering lead (not my boss, but still) announced there would be two “non-obligatory” late night sessions per week until 9-10 pm for the next couple months, and the area I thought I would be working in (and that I was interested in) would probably not be a priority. If I had known that when I was interviewing, I would never have considered that company. I’ve done that shit before and I just don’t care nearly enough to do it again. I’ve never been at a full-time job for less than a year but I might be about to shatter that record.

So I guess it just never ends. You can’t work your way back slowly one step at a time, because once you succeed at step 1 people will just throw more and harder challenges at you. And no matter what there is always going to be people causing conflict and drama and making me want to go around just flipping everybody off.

At least I know to never get my hopes up again.