Ah, i never thought i would post on a site like this one. Still, i would like some advice.. I’m sorry if this is too long, i don’t really know what i’m going to say so thank you to all of you who actually read through all this nonsense..
I don’t know what’s happening to me, i never would have imagined i would slip this far away. At first i thought i was just being a little over dramatic. That’s normal for teenagers y’know? But these thoughts, these “what ifs”, these plans, I can see how much they are taking over and i don’t know what to do..
Well first, i guess i should give some input on who i am. The name i picked for myself on here is Scarlet Yukimura and I am a Senior in High School. I am that friend that everyone turns to when things just fall apart. I’ve seen all my precious friends at their worst but we’ve always pulled through together. It’s really heartwarming to see how much they have changed, their new ideas, goals, dreams, smiles.. It’s what i live for. But, I am going to be leaving my beloved school soon and going on to the real world.
This, is the source of everything..
I moved to this new place, this new school after my parents got in a physical fight and got a divorce. This was in the summer of 8th grade. After that, our “family” was cast away as the “Problem” family so besides a few belongings, i only had my mother with me. I was always in complete despair, i felt so useless after seeing my mom like that, bloody and bruised up and all i could do was scream. How pathetic is that? Seeing an empty apartment instead of my old bright and cheerful house. There were many other things too but i’ll just save time by leaving them out. But i overcame all these feelings. I know this is going to sound really stupid but what gave me my new drive in life was an anime.
Call me stupid or make fun of me or whatever else. I know how stupid it looks, i wrote it down after all.
Still, the anime gave me a new view on life. All these characters going through the same hell i was and they overcame everything to love life again. It was what i needed more than ever. After that, i became more open in school. I started dressing in brighter colors instead of just all black. I even got a piano and started taking lessons just like one of the characters. I made friends, i made memories, i was able to smile everyday. Just like the main character, i wanted to become a Doctor so i can help people of all kinds everyday but that will never happen..
I’m not even graduating.
I’m failing my English class. This is because i have this condition, if it’s even called that, known as “Sleep Paralysis”. For those of you that don’t know, it happens right as i’m going to sleep. What happens is my body goes to sleep but my mind doesn’t. During this time, i can’t move, i can’t breathe, and the line between reality and dreams is blurred. Please remember, nightmares are dreams too. This really uncomfortable event is what usually keeps me up and makes me late for my English class. Usually missing it all together and it’s the reason i’m writing this at 1:19 AM. I’ve tried asking my teacher for help but she doesn’t like me too much, refusing to help me because i ditch her class a lot. I’ve never been able to properly tell my situation because of this relationship with her.
However, Graduating is the least of my concerns.
This time for seniors is when we’re supposed to figure out what we want to do in life and how to do it. It seems that i have everything figured out but i have been getting feedback from friends that graduated High School last year.. College is hell.. All of them dropped out, even my cousin and they all say it was a decision they wish they could take back. They say the life of an adult is killing them…
I don’t want to grow up..
I don’t want grow up and hate life like every adult i have ever seen… I don’t want to start life off with a bunch of debt.. I don’t want to have to quit watching anime and quit dressing so silly because that’s not what adults do… I don’t want to take down all my posters, remove all the stickers, and get rid of all my stuffed animals because that’s not what adults should care about… I don’t want to worry every waking second about bills like adults do… I don’t want to fight with my friends like adults do… I don’t want to hate someone i used to love… I don’t want to make my children suffer with a divorce… I don’t want to be a part of that world…
That’s when all these “what ifs” started
It started with one. When i was walking down the hallway of the second story building at school. What if i just jumped and ended everything before i fall into the depression of being an adult. Quit while i’m ahead y’know? I just dismissed it but they’re popping up more and more and more. It’s consuming my every waking minute… What if i just grab those scissors… what if i just down those pills… what if i just jump… all the songs i play on my piano are full of despair, my songs on my playlist are all just like they were freshman year… I wouldn’t have even noticed this if my mother didn’t ask me why i was playing such sad songs recently.. These feelins are taking over me i can’t run away from them..
i’m crying now..
I can’t run to my friends for help, how could i? The friend that is always happy, the friend that helped them when they needed it the most is now falling apart.. Their impression of happiness would fall apart wouldn’t it? i don’t want to ruin their lives. My mom and i are moving again when school ends because of this boy friend shes had for a while. I’ll keep their faith in happiness until the very end. I couldn’t become a Doctor because of how stupid i am but at least i know i have helped a small amount of people..
So i will be back where i ended up freshman year, in a place unknown to me, full of sadness, and honestly, i’m exhausted… The reason i even found this website was researching one of my “What ifs”. I’m slowly succumbing to them and i’m too tired to try and fight back… What would i even be fighting for, the future isn’t something i want to be a part of.
This is my story. Sorry it’s so stupid long.