I use video games as a method of escapism. It’s as if my brain simply changes the channel and my problems vanish until the game ends. Anyway, the games I play need a good internet connection which is rare in my house. Instead I started to read a new book. About an hour into the book the main character says they’re in love. And I started to cry. I cried because I allowed myself to believe for a second that I’m in love too.
I like to pretend that I’m in love with a guy from work who is stupidly attractive, kind of silly, kind of flirty, very out of my league. He’s also straight and has a girlfriend. I’m very jealous of him, not only of his good looks and popularity… but he seems happy. He seems like he has a good life and a good family and good friends. And it’s hard to imagine that he ever gets sad. It doesn’t seem fair because I spend most of my time being sad.
I feel so strongly about this but just don’t know how to translate this feeling into language. It’s a crippling kind of feeling. I wish I was more like him.
2 comments
Good Adjective, That is exactly how to deal with depression ignore it “Change the Chanel” we all see people we’d like to be with they seem like we’d be happy with them, that’s kind of cool! better than not wanting to be with anybody! make your self happy “Change the Chanel” 🙂
I think I’m much better at pretending to be in love than actually being in love…. I break things :/
I was in love with my best friend, he was straight and stupid pretty too, but in love with me too some how I guess. He Said I was the best girlfriend he ever had lol. I moved so we just got to see each other every few months. He started dating some girl, she hated me and was a huge dick about it. but he and i just got closer and closer. The last visit we spent days in bed watching arrested devlpmt and columbo. Just laughing and hugging. We’d have Skype breakfasts together, and txted pretty much non stop. He was in a low phase and the last time we skyped, he told me how much I meant to him and he wished I was there. But he was happy after we talked. The next morning I listened to the voice message he left to say goodnight, I had wanted to say, don’t do something stupid, if he did I would be soooooo pissed at him and he wouldn’t get the chance to know how good it feels to have some one that pissed. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to give more pressure. In the morning when I listened he was online. I started crying. I thght it’s strange but it must be just cuz I miss him… I kept writing shit then deleting it, then listening to the message, then I finally txted something that felt right, but it was 2 minutes too late. I kinda knew all morning. And when the phone rang…. I just looked at the number and said ‘well fuck’. I flew home the next day. I prayed the plane would crashes. I had to meet his gf- she said I was the only person he talked about…. Anyway she mentioned something to me about how much he texted me more than her and how he was always so happy when he came back from visiting.. and how she was jealous, and the Skype breakfasts, and how they had a big fight the night before…. I wanted to strangle her. But I just took some lorazepam.
Anyway, I don’t know where all that came from lol. Ah. Maybe there is a point. It was really perfect and pure and I was happier to pretend it was pretend- it was just a super intense gay-straight bromance or something. The day before he died, he told me he thght he liked guys. I kinda played it off. Said he shouldn’t stress about it now. But if I’m honest, it scared me a bit. Too real maybe… Who knows. So actually, I guess I fail at the pretending too.
Anyway sorry I don’t know why I wrote all that, but I think it was good to get off my chest. Neo thnx
Also, you sound bright and funny so , flirt back- who knows ; p… Sometimes pretending is just awesome, and sometimes it’s awesome cuz we’re not so sure it’s just pretend. Life’s a fucking gamble and sometimes the biggest risk is playing it safe. (but sometimes it’s not. So don’t eat tinned fruit that’s been left in a opened tin, or raw porc)