On top of the many reasons for contemplating suicide, there is one that seems odd to even me. A lot of my reasons are about pain and suffering that I dont want to endure anymore. But this one is different.
Sometimes I wish I would commit suicide so when people find out they can have that moment of realization thinking “ohhh so he was that disturbed to the point of suicide”. And I like to think about people from my distant past too. There have been so many moments in my life that my interaction with people can be reduced to conflict and a degrading, judgmental attitudes towards me. Something that makes me feel ostracized, like a outcast and freak. Its the experience of these moments that have left such bad scars/damage that having these “reasons” provide some kind of soothing, momentarily release.
Is this normal? If its unusual even for someone who has given up on life, does it at least make sense?
Or is this another one of those situations? Can anyone relate?
2 comments
Blank: yes I can relate to what you are saying. I feel no one realizes how hard my life is and how devastated I am by the way I have been treated. I have even told my sister that I have been suicidal and she think I am just being melodramatic. So there are times I just want to do it so that she realizes the emotional pain she and others caused me. I want to be a fly on the wall when she gets the call that I’ve done it.
But then reality sets in for me. My dad died from cancer 2 months ago and as much as I want to join him, I cannot put my mom thru losing me. I know it would hurt her deeply.
So in the end my “I’ll show them” motive sort of fizzles out.
I hope it helps you to know that you aren’t alone. I have found the people on this website so caring and forthcoming with feelings. It has helped me to not feel alone and to finally feel understood.
You’re not weird. You want people to feel sorry only death can do that. Most people don’t give a fuck. If you die, they will give a fuck just for a moment.