I wish I wasn’t so afraid of pain, because I’m not the least bit afraid of death. I can’t even bring myself to explain what has happened and been said. I don’t want to go over it. I am worthless and unworthy and undeserving of love and it’s not possible for anyone to ever want to be with me. I wish I had the guts to stick one of my big needles in my neck to bleed out. They’re not that huge but they are the size they’d typically use on an adult to draw blood from the jugular. But I’m a ***** and I take my meds with the insulin sized needles. I just wish I could fucking do it because there’s no fucking sense in living like this and knowing for a fact I’m so undeserving of love!!
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Well, most people are afriad of pain to some degree. SO your not different then the rest of us.
Years Ago I wanted to kill myself… I tried a few different methods and wound up messing myself up and living. Its not as easy to do the deed as some people might think. I doubt that you are as bad as you think you are. You seem to be really down on yourself. I think you need to work on that. Try to stop thinking so down on yourself. You know we live in a really big world and there are lots of bad people. So what have you done that is so bad that you think you are unworthy of love. I doubt you have done anything that cant be forgiven. I think you need to learn to forgive yourself for what you may have done and try to change whatever it is in your life that you think needs changing. If you do that You will most likely find that things can get better and you wont have any need to stick a needle in your neck.
tell us whats going on with you.
Suspension hanging was the method that worked for me, done correctly it cuts off bloodflow and you pass out before you actually asphyxiate. I was saved…just barely but that was my foolishness for wanting to do it in a familiar place
Yeah but I have a MUCH harder challenge being as obese as I am. We can’t die by normal means. And true male privilege is my youngest cousin owning guns while I, born female, have had no fucking chance in hell to ever get enough money in my hands to own a gun! :'(
It’s not what i have done, but what I am. Apparently the normal, healthy way of thinking is that you can love anyone, be with anyone, and it doesn’t matter, fuck and leave. That’s everyone else. But it’s fundamentally fucked up of me to just want one love for a lifetime, and to be in love with just one person. Because of that, I’m deeply flawed and no one could ever want to be with me.
Well objectionably you could say we were never meant to be a monoganist society. Biologically there is no reason for us to seek out a single “mate” I used to starve myself and do all kinds of things to achieve the weight i wanted. I am around 5 9 and 210. To me that is bad but that is just self judgement. But in my life where i have been scrutinized for everything i can’t help but do it. I have not eaten in a week now.
If i had a gun i would much rather take that option but i am legally disabled after getting myself out of an abusive household. Though i thought it was a good choice then it has effected me for the past 7 years. All i can say is don’t try to take any kind of pill or w/e to od. Most of the time you will just start throwing up while unconscious. I’ve had friends that tried to od, i even tried it once. my arms are butchered, i’ve hung myself. I went on a “nature walk”. not sure if you know what that is but it’s where you go back into the wasteland/forest/desert and just walk until you literally break down. If you pass out you do as much as you can to move, drag yourself even if you have to and just die to exposure/dehydration. I was never scared at that point though because i was so delusional it was like a dream.
I’ve always like the idea of biting the dust with someone, having a great day or few days and getting to know that person. know their pain and still go through with it. To do it and know that even if those moments were only temporary they would never be betrayed because it would all be over. To me that seems like a very comforting idea. Just as with attempted suicide, you can have your family around and such with you when it happens. Same principle conceptually.
I wish… Want to pick me up and we’ll do some sight seeing before getting lit & driving off the grand canyon?