I am trying to tie up a lot of loose ends 1st, but I feel like I am losing the battle.
My house is not a home anymore since he left. I am just going from room to room cleaning them out. Pictures off the walls, china cabinets cleaned out, 25 years worth of stuff being donated or sold off. Even then, I’m left with 15 years of memories that I can’t get out of my head. The silence and lonliness are my enemies, yet I don’t want to leave the house because I can’t keep it together and end up in tears in public like some crazy person.
All I want it to just be done with it all. I hate this life, I hate God, I should hate my ex for doing this to me, but I just don’t. I love him and will take my last breath loving him even though he could care less.
It would be so easy tonight to just say, “F” it and give in, but I just don’t want to leave my kids with anymore of a burden than my death will cause them.
It hurts so damn much and the tears just will not stop! It seems every road I take to try and gain just a little bit of peace turns out to be a dead end. I have no real friends, my family is busy with their own lives, and there’s just nobody to turn to.
I don’t understand any of this…? All I did or tried to do was love this man, and he never could love me back, even after being together so long. Not even a “goodbye” and he was gone. I know if you really love someone you are supposed to want the best for them, whether it includes you in their life or not. I guess I’m just a selfish person, but I’m just not magnanomous enough to wish him well as he gets on with life without me in it. The thought of him with someone else, living a life that I thought was supposed to be ours, may be what drives me over the edge, so I try not to dwell on it.
So I will sit here in the dark, getting drunk, and try not to think about how much better it would be if I could just leave this life tonight. No more heartache, no more tears, no more memories, just peace within my soul.
3 comments
Long-term prisoners, even though dreaming of freedom, freak out when they are released. It’s pretty common to experience something similar when you get out of a destructive long term relationship.
I’ve been reading your posts and your descriptions of him read like an addict describing heroin. He was toxic, yet you loved him because he gave you validation. He was a user, yet you loved him because he made you feel useful. Believe me, I’ve been down this road, too. The evil you know seems to be better than the unknown.
One day you will realize he wasn’t your anchor; he was the chains that bound you. One day you will say, “I am going to reinvent myself.” Then you will probably get scared and hide and cry. And you will try again. And again. One new experience will lead to two more. Two new experiences will lead to four. New friends will appear, old friends will come back. And, believe it or not, one day you will feel sad or angry about your ex and at the same time you will realize it is the first time you have thought about him in weeks.
You are riding a dark wave now. It is survivable. All you have to do is take one day at a time. Yes, you are sad now; this is not a character flaw. Yes, you are weak now; this is not a crime. Yes, you had a bad relationship; this does not diminish your value as a human being.
You are more than the sum of bad thoughts in your head. The cosmic irony is that you are the least qualified person to judge yourself. I judge you to be a completely normal human, so be humane to yourself, OK?
@SeeSmith
You couldn’t have said it any better. Your words are spot-on.
@Special2no1
Don’t assume people are “too busy with their own lives” to care for you. Don’t think for others. You will be surprised how wrong you can be when doing that.
I made that mistake a couple of times before, and the out-pour of help, closeness, and genuine help I got from friends and family when I finally reached out to them was so pleasantly overwhelming..! Have you talked to your family?
I wonder if you are getting the help you need and well deserve. Talk to a therapist. Don’t like that option? Talk to a priest/pastor/spiritual guide. I know you say you hate God, but I’m going after that, I’m going for the person, somebody who can give you some insight as to how to deal with your current situation, because just like SeeSmith said, you are the LEAST qualified to judge yourself.
What if you had an opportunity at life again with that man who’s left you now in say a year, or two, or even five years from now? Wouldn’t you like to be ready for when that happened?
I’m NOT saying live your life with that goal, but I’m saying that life’s twists and turns can bring you opportunities you’d otherwise be missing.
You have our full support, but please, take care of yourself will you?
I really am trying. Yes, life is full of ups and downs and anything could happen, but I don’t want to live out my life waiting for someone that may never come along.
A part of the story no one knows. Before I met Shawn, my now ex. I was married to a younger guy. He lost his brother in a very violent manner and that changed him into someone I didn’t know and couldn’t have around my kids. We split up after 7 years together. I was pretty devastated then too, but my daughters needed me. I am their only surviving parent, their Dad was killed on the job when they were just babies. Anyway, after my divorce from my husband, I eventually tried the personals and online dating. Finally one rejection after another, I deleted my accounts. I am not an attractive woman, never was even in my younger years when I was skinny. It was 2 months shy of a year after my divorce and the ONLY man that showed ANY kind of interest in me was Shawn. Now fast forward 15 years, I’m salt and pepper headed, some wrinkles, and have gained weight. I don’t see another opportunity for a new relationship in my future. Also, In my heart, call it intuition, I know I am never going to see Shawn again. He shut off all communication with me for a reason because he is done.
I honestly wish I had his lack on conscience, it would make life so much easier if I could just forget our life together, but my heart won’t let it happen. He is a part of me that I just can’t get rid of.
As far as family, they are all in agreement that he’s not worth it, let it go, and get on with my life. I wish it was that simple.
Therapists cost money which I don’t have right now. I could turn to God, I know, but I hate hypocrisy, and as angry and betrayed as I feel by Him right now, it just seems hypocritical to seek His guidence and comfort right now.
All I know is the thought of years stretching out in front of me, waking up alone, eating alone, no one to come home to and discuss my day with, no one to do stuff with, and then going to bed alone, is not a life I want to live.
Thank you both for caring enough to post though.