Last night I lay awake in my bed thinking about my vacant, failure of a life. I think I have accepted the fact that I have lived longer than I should have. The first time I thought about suicide was when I was 20 years old.I’m 30 now. I think the only things that kept me alive and bothering to go on was that I was able to achieve some success financially in my now dissolved businesses, my family and the very smallest of things in life. But now things are becoming very dark. I think to myself that I really should have pulled the plug at about 24 latest.
I tried to fix myself with meds for 13 months at age 29, but it failed. I have never had a real job and have to somehow get one now. I have so many problems mentally and healthwise that its a joke to say the least. Being withdrawn and not able to trust people only makes it worse.
I have for a long time accepted that I cannot help who or what I am. I am not proud of who I am. Not even sad to say it. I wish I was someone who lived a normal life from a young age (friends, partying, college, good job, house, marriage etc) but I have had none of this. I am starting to make exit plans because its getting bad now. The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness is intensifying and its unbearable.
2 comments
Yes, lostguy…it is unbearable…but that doesn’t mean it’ll be forever this way. Only our tunnel vision see’s it as such but thats because we can’t think straight.
The very smallest of things in life were one of the reasons used to be enough. They CAN become so again but there’s no way your brain will be able to rationalize that now…which is why you need to be constantly reminded about this.
lostguy, your life feel harrowing now and has done for what feels like an age but to take an early exit now would mean you never finding out if your kindred spirit was waiting at 30? 32? 33?
At least stay here with your brothers and sisters on SP and support each other with love and understanding.
Stay with us at SP lostguy don’t take a decision without investigating as much in your life and if it’s truly time to go. I have been in depression for 7 years since 12 now 19 and have failed in everything I set my mind to which no matter how dark everything seems I always find a way and recover which I hope you do as well. Please give it another chance search for different circumstances and maybe new country, explore the world and live life to the fullest!