…can’t believe it’s almost my fuckin’ birthday again. Either I have something to show for it this time around or I… end up hating myself even more. But seeing that I’ve been at war with myself for the past decade; the latter seems the most likely to happen.
“All you need is some peace while you are here” — That’s a tall order for someone who’s been surrounded by violence in one form or another since their birth, Ms. Grant. I’ll carry your words though.
The first week of September will mark the start of my “internship” (as you Spams would call it) at an IT firm in the more affluent part of my fair city, which figures since the people I saw at the place looked like a bunch of wimps and… Well, they looked like typical civilians, since I really must say so. I’ll need the soothing vocals of Ms. Grant caressing my mind, or else I’ll nut out and kill someone. Not because I’m a psychopath, but because people just don’t get it! Whether you try to ease their way of thinking carefully into how you operate or make them understand, you won’t win. That being said, I’ll behave myself and get as much experience as I can… but the first person who looks at me sideways or makes any snide comments about me is gettin’ thrown through a fuckin’ window and a couple broken bones. I know I’m fuckin’ weird — you don’t need to remind me, fuckwit.
“You have a right to live your life” — Too bad that not every person nor situation will accommodate that fact. Nor do i suspect that that was ever really the case for me. Living in service to, because of, and for others doesn’t sound like living at all. Not as an individual anyway. I simply exist to persist; and I’m nothing if not a persistent bastard. Shame on me.
Earlier this year I’d catch the morning bus to course. There was a red-haired girl with the cutest freckles I ever did see who caught the same bus. I’d tell myself I caught the bus because I needed to rest my foot, but truth is I just caught it to sit beside her (and fah fook’s sake Tommy, ’twas only ah ten minnut hike, ya bastahd!). Once I was beside her, I didn’t say shit. I’d programmed myself to not establish any interpersonal relations with anyone, despite the one “glitch” I had with the trainee flight attendant at around the same time (which ended very quickly once a hotfix was deployed for said glitch), so nothing came of it. Still, it’s hard to forget a redhead… and sadly she hadn’t forgotten me. As I made a mad dash for my bus on Thursday just gone, we made eyes for but a few seconds. My face said “oh shit, she’s seen me!” as her’s had the look of “…there you are!” She looked surprised. Shocked, even. But with a hint of happiness. Personally I blame my fuckin’ suit, or perhaps… perhaps my decision to wear my red tie that day… *X-files theme plays*
A few hours went by and I returned to the city. I happened upon a record store which sells stuff mainly by local artists, so I decided to try my luck and get a particular record by a favourite Kiwi band of mine. Long story short: they had the record, and I fell in love with the girl who served me. Too bad I was being a fuckin’ weird **** again… But I did say I’d be back next week to pick up a few more records. At least this time I won’t look like a moron and actually be focused on her amazing hazel eyes and awesome taste in– I mean, just the music, yes… Y’know, I’m going to stick to the no friendship/relationship thing for a long time to come. Reason: I’m still not happy with my life, or myself. Getting outsiders involved in that is just asking for trouble. It’s good to dream; just remember to wake up.
Lastly, I could always have a proper stroke and die anyway. Way I see it is that everyone will click into place for me, I’ll branch out to make new friends and progress with my career. Once it’s all going smoothly, I’ll die. Oh yeah, you can fuckin’ laugh at me for talking like that, but that’s the feeling I get from this whole fiasco I’m dealing with. Things just feel too right for something not to go wrong. I say this because my head still doesn’t feel right, and truth be told — it probably never will feel right again.
“Just let go of it all, dear” — Don’t lemme hear that in my sleep, because I just might do so.