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Begin Again… Let Go.

by Shephard

…can’t believe it’s almost my fuckin’ birthday again. Either I have something to show for it this time around or I… end up hating myself even more. But seeing that I’ve been at war with myself for the past decade; the latter seems the most likely to happen.

All you need is some peace while you are here” — That’s a tall order for someone who’s been surrounded by violence in one form or another since their birth, Ms. Grant. I’ll carry your words though.


The first week of September will mark the start of my “internship” (as you Spams would call it) at an IT firm in the more affluent part of my fair city, which figures since the people I saw at the place looked like a bunch of wimps and… Well, they looked like typical civilians, since I really must say so. I’ll need the soothing vocals of Ms. Grant caressing my mind, or else I’ll nut out and kill someone. Not because I’m a psychopath, but because people just don’t get it! Whether you try to ease their way of thinking carefully into how you operate or make them understand, you won’t win. That being said, I’ll behave myself and get as much experience as I can… but the first person who looks at me sideways or makes any snide comments about me is gettin’ thrown through a fuckin’ window and a couple broken bones. I know I’m fuckin’ weird — you don’t need to remind me, fuckwit.

You have a right to live your life” — Too bad that not every person nor situation will accommodate that fact. Nor do i suspect that that was ever really the case for me. Living in service to, because of, and for others doesn’t sound like living at all. Not as an individual anyway. I simply exist to persist; and I’m nothing if not a persistent bastard. Shame on me.


Earlier this year I’d catch the morning bus to course. There was a red-haired girl with the cutest freckles I ever did see who caught the same bus. I’d tell myself I caught the bus because I needed to rest my foot, but truth is I just caught it to sit beside her (and fah fook’s sake Tommy, ’twas only ah ten minnut hike, ya bastahd!). Once I was beside her, I didn’t say shit. I’d programmed myself to not establish any interpersonal relations with anyone, despite the one “glitch” I had with the trainee flight attendant at around the same time (which ended very quickly once a hotfix was deployed for said glitch), so nothing came of it. Still, it’s hard to forget a redhead… and sadly she hadn’t forgotten me. As I made a mad dash for my bus on Thursday just gone, we made eyes for but a few seconds. My face said “oh shit, she’s seen me!” as her’s had the look of “…there you are!” She looked surprised. Shocked, even. But with a hint of happiness. Personally I blame my fuckin’ suit, or perhaps… perhaps my decision to wear my red tie that day… *X-files theme plays*

A few hours went by and I returned to the city. I happened upon a record store which sells stuff mainly by local artists, so I decided to try my luck and get a particular record by a favourite Kiwi band of mine. Long story short: they had the record, and I fell in love with the girl who served me. Too bad I was being a fuckin’ weird **** again… But I did say I’d be back next week to pick up a few more records. At least this time I won’t look like a moron and actually be focused on her amazing hazel eyes and awesome taste in– I mean, just the music, yes… Y’know, I’m going to stick to the no friendship/relationship thing for a long time to come. Reason: I’m still not happy with my life, or myself. Getting outsiders involved in that is just asking for trouble. It’s good to dream; just remember to wake up.

Lastly, I could always have a proper stroke and die anyway. Way I see it is that everyone will click into place for me, I’ll branch out to make new friends and progress with my career. Once it’s all going smoothly, I’ll die. Oh yeah, you can fuckin’ laugh at me for talking like that, but that’s the feeling I get from this whole fiasco I’m dealing with. Things just feel too right for something not to go wrong. I say this because my head still doesn’t feel right, and truth be told — it probably never will feel right again.

Just let go of it all, dear” — Don’t lemme hear that in my sleep, because I just might do so.


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idm 8/27/2016 - 10:47 am

on that ‘superstitious’ feeling of yours..

“”Anything that can go wrong – will go wrong”.

Be prepared with contingency plans for any given scenario you may encounter, yet stand fast to act on the fly/dynamically to respond to any and all end game events. You’ve recognised the possibility you mentioned above, which is outstanding, from here you need to be ready for when it happens. Notice how I didn’t say “if”?

Well done, and best of luck to you.”

of the two posts i hadn’t consigned to complete oblivion from way back when, some ‘weirdo’ offered that advice on the one to me having the same type of feeling. He ain’t all bad.

oh, and the no outsiders thing..
i’m clearly not all in my right head, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have pleasant conversation with people you encounter. i have customers i like and look forward to that make that place tolerable, it doesn’t have to mean anything more. Do ya thing, try not to think too much about it. Tall order? prolly, but ah well, all i got.

Shephard 8/27/2016 - 6:03 pm

What a barmy prick who said that to you. Is it still superstitious if the writing’s on the wall?

Pleasant convoh is okay, but in moderation. Nothing means anything more to me these days. It either is or it isn’t, and hoping for more will only leave you with less than you started with

idm 8/28/2016 - 2:51 am

“barmy” ha, not in the worst way. he did miss the point slightly, though, achieving said scenario not exactly being the issue.. Rather think that’s the case here as well.
how far you standin from it? what looks like it’s etched in stone could very well be written in chalk, wiped away or least smudged, however permanent it’s appearance.
(and if you think some smartarse remark like ‘so close it’s imprinted on my face’ well..)

“leave you with less..” .yeah.

still, nice on the internship. (what exactly do you call it? apprenticeship?)

SadPotato 8/27/2016 - 11:04 am

I think it’s alright to involve “outsiders”, even if you’re not happy with your life, or yourself. The problem is when you let people into your life, and expect them to “fix” or “save” you. If a person stays away from that kind of thinking, I think it’s A okay, even potentially beneficial.

O and this may be a weird observation, but I think it’s good that you experience these “fascinations” with girls you encounter, even if you “chicken” out. I think it’s healthy. It shows a certain drive for life, or “normalcy”.

Shephard 8/27/2016 - 6:09 pm

I knew that two years ago and still chose to disregard it. Some units come out of the factory with inherent faults at the core to begin with, and no matter how much someone tries to fix them (whether that was their intention to begin with or not), it’s just not going to happen.

Oh, I don’t “chicken” out — it’s an offensive countermeasure to ensure I don’t go out and destroy myself even further when I’m not in the right state of mind to be developing relations with anyone

theWhispersOfMySins 8/27/2016 - 7:55 pm

I read this, “I simply exist to persist; and I’m nothing if not a persistent bastard.”… and I thought by this reasoning he will live for ages! I like that idea. I always thought the world was a better place for having you in it. I was purging emails and I came across a recording you sent one xmas eve. I remember how surprised I was at deep your voice is. And I smiled listening to you talk abt your accent and ask of my pets. Yes, the world needs you.

nepheliad 8/28/2016 - 10:26 am

Ha, you sound like me now. “I’ve programmed myself to not establish any interpersonal relationships with anyone.” Yeah, the only people who recognize me by sight in a casual setting are the bartenders at the local bar I attend most frequently. They say hello, but we don’t talk much, which is what I want.

I went traveling this summer season and visited a series of cities across the country. In one of the coastal cities, I went out past midnight to go nightclub-hopping. I encountered this guy at the bar at one club and he commented on how he came there with friends but this wasn’t really his scene.
(…best not to inquire as to exactly what type of club it was.)

We started talking and continued chatting aimlessly until the club closed, when I suggested we go hang out somewhere else. It turned out to be a rather dreamlike experience, drifting around the city streets past 3 AM, grabbing pizza along the way, and discussing philosophical subjects, such as the increasingly popularized hypothesis of humankind living in a simulated reality… and other topics, like how seemingly shared memories of everyday happenings, or special occasions, can in retrospect be perceived vastly differently to each party involved (uniquely shaping ‘who you are,’ your ‘future self,’ so sometimes you can’t really compare your memories of events with another person who had been there at the same time)… and also, how you could interact or live with someone for years, mutually feel closer to them than anyone, and yet the two of you are essentially still strangers in a way; even if you sleep in the same bed almost every night, you’ll never truly know what goes on in your p.artner’s mind, and vice versa. (I suppose that keeps things interesting.)

(Same goes for family members, and this might be part of what leads to so many arguments and communication problems; people form their own ideas by observing others on a shallow level, without attempting to understand the other person, their mindset, and motivations. [I unfortunately fail prey to this error, too, but I’ll try to stop.])

But yeah, the experience that night was like a scene in a Richard Linklater film (Waking Life or Before Sunrise, etc). Somehow, I was on the same wavelength as this total stranger, with whom I originally hadn’t expected to share any more than a couple minutes of inconsequential banter at the club. You could call it a non-sexual one night stand, although I told him upfront that I was involved with somebody, so ‘nothing happened.’
Still, it was one of the most memorable events during my summer vacation.

Anyway, I wish you luck with your new job, and I hope you’ll meet new friends eventually if that’s something you would want. I do understand your want to be alone right now, being highly avoidant myself. (That’s why I’m so incompetent at email correspondence… *sigh*).

This has been a long comment… I’m tired, so I apologize if it doesn’t make much sense.

freeroma 12/27/2016 - 4:18 am

I think “Ordinary” people are only so because circumstance allows them to be. A lot is perspective and experience..
And those we deem extraordinary.. A lot of times, They either find their niche and stay there, have ways of blending in..
Or, end up places like this.
Yeah, humanity does suck. Just, not always.

I wonder if u think the years been a total bust.. some positives on that checklist, in my view at least..
even with more than a bit of summertime sadness.

When you wander, I hope the way’s safe.

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