It hurts. Iv delt with it for a long time. Not always for the best. I OD on a couple hundred asprin a few years back. I woke up feeling like i would have a heart attack. If i moved a single muscle, arm, leg, neck, i would throw up. My body did not want to die. After hours of convulsing in my bed i became terrified. I did not want to die. But i did. I was torn between my bodies terror and my minds willingness to go. I met a girl. I told her everything. She was my other half. My only friend, my lover and for two years she shared it all back with me. She dumped me yesterday. Said she wanted to know who she was without me. I am so in pain im numb. She was the person i talked to when times were hard. I dont have anyone to talk to. Love made my life long depression not so hard. It made me better for years. I was a normal person. I got a job. A car. A plan. And over night its all gone. I get paid in a couple hours. I am old enough to buy a gun. I just dont want to play this game that is called life anymore. Im loyal. Im loving. Im always there. Im me. And i get thrown away. Im. Lonely now. And hurt. I have tried meds in the past. No dice. The medication that was working was effecting my short term memory to where id forget conversations. I stopped a long time ago. Im scared guys. Im really scared. I just want to get this gun already and go for it. I just want some peace, you know? I thought that together with another human i could make it. And i was right. But you cant ever count on another human forever. Im really scared guys but i want it. I just want to die. I hope this works
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I’m sorry that this happened, but you can’t put so much “pressure” on your opposite number. We can’t place the onus on an other person to “save” us and keep us happy, that’s unfair towards the other person. Also, I don’t think you should make such a snap judgement towards something as serious as suicide. You’ll definitely not find any “peace” through it. The breakup was yesterday, and obviously you’re in pain. However, try to ride it out. Keep yourself busy to distract yourself from the pain.
I think im going to go away. Im going to go live with my dad in another state. The pain will remain. But i wont come home and see her sitting there where she once was. I wont see her everywhere i go or smell her. I was wrong to put that all on her i know. I have just been dealimg with it all my life. It felt good to feel good. I really hurt. I just wish i could find something in myself to live for. I was happy with her because i found purpous. To be hers and provide and make her happy. I was happy because i meant something to someone. I feel like i have no purpose. Like no one cares about me. Like im just alone. I feel alone. I dont have any friends. They all went their own way after school. Its hard. I just wish i had a friend right now.
Ah okay, that’s a good idea. Just being in a place far away will help. Maybe take this time to find purpose in yourself, and to find out who you are as an individual. Also, maybe reach out to your old school friends, or try to make some new friends. Having a friend will definitely help with the pain, and will distract you.
Hope im not being annoying. I just am typing to keep busy. Its easy to fall into stagnentation and start thinking too much. I quit my job and im packing my things. I feel like i need a new start far away. But i feel. Idk. I feel like maybe im losing a chance to get her back if i move away. Im so stuck.
Ah no. You’re definitely not being annoying. If it helps, you can type as much as you like. I think in the long run a new start will benefit you the most. However, if you’re doubtful, talk with her. Just to clear everything up so that you have no regrets. I don’t know the context of the relationship and the breakup, so I don’t think I can really advise you on that. Anyway, it’s your life, and ultimately your choice.
I asked her. She said no chances. But we can be friends. That leaves me with no teather. So im going to try a new start. Maybe one day. Maybe ill move on. Maybe i wont. We can still talk. I know that much. I dont resent her. I just dont want to be reminded of her everytime i wake up. Play vids, go to work, go to college. I need my start over too. How do i find somethimg in myself to be worth it tho? How does someone love themself? And how do i find a purpose in life
Okay, then I guess you’ve already your answer. Yeah, the future is full of maybes, and in my eyes that’s a good thing. Unfortunately those things you need to foster yourself. Nobody can show you a purpose, or tell you one. That’s a thing you can only do yourself. Look around you, explore the world, until you find the thing that just “fits”. It’s definitely not easy, but hopefully you’ll find that thing. Also, take a good look at yourself, look past the bullshit and potential misconceptions. Then work on the things that trouble you. The things that trouble you, but you can’t do anything about them, you need to accept. That will help with loving yourself.
What can i do to keep busy?
Well, if you don’t have any hobbies, it would be a very good idea to get some. Any activity that will take time, and what you’ll find enjoyable. Exercise is also an option. It takes up time, and is just overall a good thing to do.
Is this your website? Why do you help people on here?
…O hell no. I’m just one of the “lost souls” that wandered here. It’s a bit complicated, but I guess me helping people just happened automatically.
I guess the only person who can help is someone who knows how hard life is. How pills dont magically fix us. Someone who knows how we think and can relate. Youre an qbsolute stranger to me. But i find my self in addition to driving around in circles just coming on here. I read others posts. I try to relate. It takes my mind of myself for as long as im on here. By no means am i happy. I just feel numb and thats okay
Well, it’s good if this place helps. It definitely can help with coping with things, just remember to focus on yourself every now and then.
Im not sure why i didnt do it today. I
I was scared beyong belief. I guess im hoping that ill be okay. Im hoping i can have a new start. Im hoping i can fix myself and learn from myself. Try and start a new life. I just worry about that voice in my head that always wants me to die. Even if im happy instead of, you should die because you are hurting and you have no future. That part of myself says. This is a perfect moment. If you died right now, youll never be sad again.
It’s okay to feel pain and to be uncertain about one’s future. However, try to curb that “voice” that urges the suicide stuff. Often it’s something that is formed out of habit. Well, that is essentially true. However, you won’t feel anything again. There needs to be sadness in life. If we lived while being continuously happy, it would become diluted and eventually we won’t even know how happiness feel like. It’s a popular question in philosophy: How would you know how happiness feels like if you never felt sadness?
sorry, “happiness *feels like”.
And thats a good point. There needs to be balance. I just wish that life would be less unfortunate. It seems every corner brings disastor. God if i had a time machine i would fix things. Sadly i do not. I have to say good bye to my dog (me and my ex’s). Its going to be hard leaving him behind. I think being away from home will help alot. Iv been at a friends house last night and today. I couldnt bear my room as thats where she broke it off in. I could visulize everything. Sleeping on my friends basement floor was luxurary to my pillow bed. Im here again right now. Iv been wandering around alot. Walking around. Being on here. Youtube. Everytime im at a major loss i end up here. This friend is the only one i have left. I dont tell him everythung. No need to scare him or burden him with things like. Suicide. But i did tell him that my girl left me and i needed a friend. He was okay with that
It’s good that you have a friend to support you. You don’t need to tell him everything if you don’t want to. Just the company of another person is often very beneficial.
When i went to a doctor he said i was bipolar and perhaps chemically depressed. How do i stop myself from repeating the same mistakes with a future partner of not putting my burden on them?
Well, I have no idea if he’s right or not. However, it’s always a good idea to go to multiple professionals to make sure that there’s no errors. Also, if he made the diagnosis, first time, on the spot, it’s a bit wonky, and I wouldn’t place too much trust into it. It’s okay to let a partner help you, that’s a big part of a relationship. However, there’s a difference between them helping you, and expecting them to save you and solve all your problems. Just keep that in mind. Also, like I said, try to find out who you are as an individual, and what drives you. You can’t expect to be in a healthy relationship, if you can’t stand on your own, and be your own individual.
This is hard.
Im just talkimg to talk now. No one is awake at night and im not used to bed until 4-5 so… idk. I feel pretty down. Just need something to do. Somewhere to go. Keep my mind off things