August 19th, 2016 by Shephard

anywhere but here, dammit.

No time for the hospital today. Still have plenty of unfinished business to tend to, along with really not having the energy to move anywhere on my own. Did I really just say that? Holy sheep shit… the world is most definitely coming to an end if Mister Walkabout himself doesn’t even want to move. Must be a sign of the times, or a kick in the daddy bags to remind me that I’m not invincible. It’s all a little odd when I really start to process it properly, y’know? I haven’t been a stable kind of “happy” for a very long time, and that came undone due to me being as I am now — defiant ignorant of the truth that is currently breaking my ankle squeezing the life out of my brain.

The difference back then was that I pushed myself to see if I could handle it. Some three years later and I can safely say: “no, you can’t”. What makes now any different to the struggle and surgeries of the past few years? For starters — and as I mentioned above — this particular condition can drop my sorry arse like a bad habit. There’s a family history of it, spanning six generations and having not skipped a single one. Worst of all however is the fact that I’ve seen people affected and taken by it. Those who’d gotten on in years, and those who were still in their prime. I’m still not sure whether I fit into either category or if I’m a category all of my own. “Suicidal loser with no life and the unrelenting desire to die”. Yeah, that sounds about right.

A double-edged decider where either I can take action and thus prolong my sorry life, or let the universe strike me down and grant me eternal rest now until the end of time. I s’pose at this rate it’ll end up making this decision for me, and I wouldn’t mind that one bit. No, ma’am.

There comes a time in your own travels where you know for certain that you need to just stop and let the world carry on. Take a nap on a grass verge near a lake and just… drift away. That is the point I now find myself at. That is what my life has come down to. I am happy with this outcome and accept it wholeheartedly. Because let’s face it, with the world in the state it’s in right now and my own personal life being that of nothing — anywhere is better than here.

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