70/30

That sounds like a cop out for most people in these sorts of situations. It is easy to say; “Just go do this” or “Find something to look forward to or that you enjoy” and that “things will get better”. Those are exactly the overly optimistic things that everyone else has said to me, and many others in my sort of situation. The optimist has only one way to look at the world; in the way that things get better, because that is the only option that makes sense to most people’s wiring. The problem is that when you are like this, at least for me, spending time with people just takes more energy than staying alone in my room. When I am out with people, I no longer enjoy it like I used to. I used to be able to actually escape into the moment that I was socializing, and actually have a good time. But whenever I try to do that anymore, I can’t even begin to pretend that I am okay. I have pretended and put on a good facade for so long that I don’t have the energy to do that anymore. Anything and everything that I say causes more people to worry about me, because I can’t keep up the act anymore, and I don’t even care that I can’t keep the act up anymore, because it doesn’t matter.

As for distractions, I have mine. I do watch a lot of movies and listen to a lot of music. But I don’t listen/watch happy or uplifting things because I can’t even begin to understand those emotions. It has been so long since I have felt even a single positive moment that the mention that I could escape into something that I don’t understand at all is irritating more than anything else. I have to escape into music and movies showing painful/depressing experiences that others are going through. Why does that help, even a little? Because I am so far to that end of the emotion spectrum that the only feeling that I can fathom is that. So, at least when I see something where someone feels like I do, but especially for a different cause, that helps me feel less alone. And, most importantly, it helps me escape into someone else’s pain for awhile, and allows me a break from my own. Different pain may still be pain, but it is the only way to escape my own pain, for just a moment.

If you have been through this yourself, you should realize how energy-zapping and irritating it is to hear from everyone, the constant cop outs of “just keep trying” and “things will get better”. When you hear nothing but that with no logical basis for it, which is how virtually everyone reacts to me, how is more of that on here supposed to be helpful?