Just not shore my story

Well thank feeling welcome not something I feel very often, so a little bit about me.

I’m male 50 now single, lonely  upset with myself upset with the world, Gay well I think so have started to admit that to others form about 2012, that does not help but can’t admit to myself really. That is just a small part of my problems, I don’t wish to be alive anymore, have not for the last 40 years, and have tried suicide before never planned on being around this long. With all the things that have come to pass in my life the odds should have been death a long time ago, they talk about a cat having nine lives I think I got nine Cats.

In the past my attempts have been to make it look like accident. I did do a lot of outdoor activity mountaineering, rock climbing, kayaking and worked some dangerous jobs and so on.  On one of the kayaking trip is the day I died. I drowned yes that right; I drowned dead. We ran a river good trip some problems at the end and a lad got stuck in a horseshoe weir; second out of his boat and heading for the weir long story short horseshoe weirs are killers. Well I saved the two lads and in the attempt drowned myself. It was peaceful drowning once I let go of live. Only problem was then I washed out of the weir and some ars brote me back. I feel cheated I made the choice had run the numbers two for one that was a good choice the time for me was right.

Well over the years I could right down many time that I should of died but didn’t for one reason or the other mainly because other people around would not let me. Yes I have mental health problems have tried to get help but they don’t really care even as I sit and write this I phone the GP two hours a go asking for appointment to see them it is mental health problem still no ring back. That how it works here you can only phone them on the day and the doctor will phone you back and if they feel that you need appointment then they will give you one.

I can’t say that I have had a bad life in a hole it has been good, I have got though it despite not wishing to be her. Nobody really new how I felt or what was going on in my head as what I showed on the outside is not what was going on inside me at the time, something I still do.

Despite all that I spent all my left up to 2012 helping other people in one or anther I was coach, youth leader, good job had a nice house, single the way I liked it. In some way I was like three different people all roll in one work was work and that where it stead, coaching and youth work where just that they did cross from time to time (doctor just rang will see 17:10 today) home life is home life, so with all this going on you would think I had good friends around me no not really they took and took from me and when 2012 hit they all just gone, even when I was in a room with them I was alone in myself.

Over the year of 2012 I went to pot just stopped everting stopped coaching, youth work, work was good to me but in the end they had to let me go, I sold my house dispersed for a short time just lost, lost in my own world my friend if that what you call them left bang gone apart from one.

So now 2016 I live a life of sorts I moved back home with family (that brings its own set of problems) same area as before have any of my so called old friend come to see me or to talk no apart from the one who helped me through thing before. I don’t see anyone talk to anyone.  So now I live a life of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and paranoia, suicidal thought, loneliness that is my normal day emissions. Funny just the same life I lived all the years before.  Sometime in a day I feel happy for the odd 10-15 mins that could be the sun is shining or it’s so quiet. So is this any kind of life to be living, yes from 2012-16 have made two direct attempts at suicide both didn’t work out as you can see but nobody knows about them got though them cleaned up and moved on.

Well what brat me to this web site was the search of suicide and selfishness NO ITS NOT. I have tried so many time to take my life but to make it look as if it was an accident and no one would of know what I did, yes they would be unhappy sad and all the grief that would go with the death, death is death how is not important is it. If someone shot me or I shot me I am dead. Ok big ramifications if someone else shot me.

So why should I live and suffer in a world that doesn’t want me in it and I don’t want to be in.

Just come back from the doctor’s I feel good at this point may be because they or this doctor has listened to what I had to say and ok they given me drug not what I wish for but they are now going to put me through to the see a head doctor and get some real test done. Well not shore how long this good feeling will last I may be able to dine out on this good feeling for the night.

Cool joe.