Is there another side? After adolescence will my hormones just fade off… leaving me with a generally positive view of life? Is there another side to death? I hope not. I get peace from thinking of the eternal darkness, the nothingness. Though I feel like damnation and it’s promise of constant pain may just be better. Either way, I don’t live for myself. Although… I seem to keep hurting my loved ones. I can’t help it. It’s selfish accidents, I guess. I got drunk for the first time the other night. What a relief. I could wash away the heaviness for a while. God did I wash it. I’m underage so of course no one was happy to find out. But me. I don’t know if that’s better than cutting or not. Don’t get me wrong it felt better. But cutting is legal, and drinking isn’t… and it kills brain cells. My smarts are the only thing that gives me self worth. I don’t feel like I’m worth much except as a comfort object to loved ones. How clueless they are. How selfish I feel for spending every moment not filled with panic in a daze of dreaming my death. I’ve taken a sleeping pill as opposed to vodka tonight. It hasn’t worked. If I had 100 more maybe it would work all too well. 1000? I don’t know the lethal limit. I can’t sleep. I can still think. My parents are yelling right now… that doesn’t help. But I couldn’t sleep before that either. I’m obsessed. they want me on medication. I said alright go ahead and try. Medication hardly ever works on me. We’ll see. If it can just help me ignore this feeling, maybe I can make it to the much talked of “other side”. Maybe I can find a reason to do it for me, not just for them. I want nothing here, I wish I was never born. I wish I was just another miscarriage. This life is torture.
4 comments
Well…I’d like to say I understand how horrible it is to be pushed to do things on other’s people timing.
In case of medicine&therapy does not work do them for the others. It has to come from your within the desire for cure. Or it’s a total waste of time.
In the case of cutting x alcohol…society is hypocryte. There is no problem in cutting. Alcohol is much worse. It destroys lives and entire families.
It is accepted you go to a bar and get drunk on purpose but not that u sit down and cut yourself privately?? What is the difference???
I grew up listening to my family yelling…and it contributed for disturbing me only. They yelled and yelled but solved nothing. No fucking shit.
Substance abuse is technically worse.. but being that I base a lot of my decisions on outside perception I was trying to decide which chemical is more socially acceptable. I should be getting prescription medication soon, which is entirely accepted by society despite it being stronger chemically than a lot of other mood altering methods… if that doesn’t help me, I’m not sure what I’ll do.
I want to feel better. I want to die too, but my concern for hurting my family is greater at this point. If I’m going to stay here I need to feel better. I’m just a natural skeptic/pessimist, which is partly why I end up in depressive/obsessive moods in the first place. I’ve never experienced a placebo effect.
Yelling solves nothing. The only way I get through things is to stay as quiet and calm as possible. Too much noise and I can’t function. I guess all people have their limit. Mine is just really low.
My brother committed suicide when he was 19. When I was 16-20 I was in a similar place as him. As I get older i realize how much your mind continues to change into your early 20s. I thought I was a complete adult at 18 but now 3 months from 23 i realize i;m still a ways from done.
I don;t know if that will be true for you, but many of the ways of thinking that i had a few years ago seem completely foreign and illogical to me now.
Suicide is an easy thing to rush in to
Thank you. That gives me hope. I like to think I’m delusional and ridiculous, so that I can be “fixed”. Maybe I just have to make it to complete mental development. I’m not rushing, I’ve felt this way for a while. I’ve just not been quite desperate enough to go that far and hurt my family.