Nearly 5 years of this relentless suicidal thoughts. From ages 16.5 – 21.5ish. It’s almost the 5th year anniversary from when I first became suicidal.
I thought I was 5’5.5 but I’m actually just 5’5. If I were just 5’7-5’7.5 I would have been fine honestly. Funny what just a few more inches could have done.
You have to draw the line somewhere and I drew it at 5’7.
I have read plenty of statistics of males in similar situations (not just height), and it’s pretty obvious I was destined to commit suicide.
I have written another post that has some context but basically, I lost my linchpin. I lost the thing that gave meaning to my life. Ever since then, my mind has been broken in a way words can’t describe. I feel inferior for being a degenerate.
I am obsessed with my stature and I don’t think I can last 2.5 more years of this torment in order to just get the first height surgery in beijing.
Read statistics of how short height affects a male if you don’t think short height is a good enough reason to commit suicide (Also, I am not looking for a companion, my problems have nothing to do with that). Also, this has nothing to do with media/culture, it simply is something that was slowly affecting me since I was young (around kindergarten-1st grade).
I also was never bullied or anything like that, nor did anyone ever poke fun at me because of my height. This has always just been a personal problem of mine.
Really, I don’t know what to do right now. I am always so conflicted with whether I should stay or commit suicide.
On one hand, I actually don’t want to die because I want to experience happiness but logically, I know for a fact it isn’t possible for me to break even in this life. I lost my linchpin because of my height so that alone makes happiness impossible. I will always feel inferior even after getting height surgeries ( I was even thinking of getting 3 total, 2 for my legs and one for my arm. I could have been satisfied with just one had I gotten it by age 16.5 but since I didn’t, I want the extra height as compensation. I estimate that I will be 24 when I get the first one and maybe 27 when I get the 2nd and third one but just thinking about how long that will take is already too overwhelming to deal with. Even though I don’t want to die yet, I also definitely don’t want to touch age 30. Why? Because in my eyes, I didn’t have a youth since I was always so fixated on my height and so if I can’t experience youth, then I refuse to experience old age ).
I will always be sad about the years of lost potential in both body and mind. I will always feel emasculated. I will always feel like a man trapped in a little boy’s body. Really, staying alive is pointless now but the problem with suicide is that obviously it is difficult and I am worried about ending up with brain damage. If I could buy a gun legally I would but I can’t anymore so oh well. Also, I believe in a hell.
So basically I feel trapped either way. I live, I suffer, I die, I suffer. What a life…
We were brought unto this earth by force, why should we have to stay here by force as well?
Really, at the very least, I think there shouldn’t be restrictions to suicidal people (such as gun restrictions).
Anyways, I can’t think of a single thing I can do to cope for the first surgery. I don’t believe in therapy or antidepressants (I’ve been to the mental institute twice, both times I went in as one person and came out the same exact person. Based on some statistics I don’t feel like looking for, they basically postulate that antidepressants might work on a placebo effect. As for therapy, I am EXTREMELY stubborn. I will NEVER accept this height so talking it out won’t do anything), but if I continue to live the way that I am, I don’t even think I’ll make it past this winter.. it really isn’t easy to deal with this thoughts, I feel I am approaching my limit.
7 comments
I’m 38 and 5ft5. I know the feeling. Want to talk? brgoodn6 @ gmail . com
(there is a solution you might want to try)
Thanks. I will talk to you sooner than later, it’s just late so I need to get some sleep.
Height lengthening surgery is not going to help you. It’s an extreme procedure and there are negative consequences. Many patients who did the surgery later regret it, because their health got worse and the minimal height gain wasn’t worth all the drawbacks. Keep in mind that your body has to be proportional to look good, you can make your legs and arms longer but your torso will remain the same, which will make you look weird in a bad way. If you try to lengthen your legs too much, it will make you look more disproportional and will increase your health problems. But if you don’t lengthen a lot, then you wouldn’t be satisfied with your final appearance because the change will be too small. Difference between 5’5 and 5’7 is minimal. People who are 5’7 also complain about being short, so you will not solve your problem.
I’m 5’6 and I know your pain and discomfort, as I experience it myself every single day too. I also wish that I was taller. I also did a research on all the surgeries. But unfortunately there’s no real solution. Maybe in the future, if doctors discover a way to lengthen the human torso without damaging the spinal cord and minimize other problems, but not now. It sucks. I know. I hate it too.
I will advise you to stay strong and seek other alternatives to improve your appearance. Consider improving the appearance of your face, for example. Take a look at the celebrities who are also short and let them inspire you. Daniel Radcliffe (the Harry Potter himself) is also 5’5. Elijah Wood (Frodo from LOTR) is 5’6. Bruno Mars, Tom Cruise, Lil Wayne, Michael J Fox, Al Pacino etc. The list goes on, and on, and on. I’m not trying to brainwash you that being a short man is great, because I personally know that it’s not, but just keep in mind that it’s not the end of the world.
I think the height surgeries in bejiing have very minimal complications but even if the complications don’t show up until later in life, I am fine with that since I don’t see myself becoming old.
Also, 5’7 would have been enough because all I wanted was to feel average and in my eyes, 5’7 is the cutoff line to for that.
Even if it wasn’t enough, one height surgery from 5’7 would have made me 5’11 instead of 5’9 since Beijing offers up to 10cm for around 50k.
The torso thing sucks which is why I may just end up getting one surgery.
Also, my face isn’t bad. I don’t mind it. The reason I was fixated with height was because of how obsessed I was with muscle. I wanted to weigh 250lb or so of muscle.
The details are on another one of my posts but basically exercising was my life and I was obsessed with it. It was my linchpin.
Basically, I feel like I would look like a joke regardless of how much I weigh with this height which is what caused me to become suicidal.
The question isn’t whether or not I will get them, it’s whether I will actually survive for 2.5 more years but I just don’t think I can keep living like this. I just can’t accept this.
THINGS THAT USED TO PISS ME OFF ABOUT BEING 5FT5
(basically I don’t give a damn about my height anymore, I have far worse problems these days)
1) Taller people seem to get preferential treatment in shops, bars, restuarants
2) People think you are an easy mark. A big tall guy is too scary for strangers to want to mess with but short guys get hassled in the street by panhandlers.
3) if I go into a shop, I’m always getting “can I help you” but if I was some hulk of a man, the person would probably back off and wait to be asked for help
4) Women have a secret in built desire to reproduce with taller men, so they have taller children
you are 100% right. Surgery is not gonna solve anything but cause horrible problems.
There is a better solution for a few extra inches, height increasing shoes. But even at 5’7 or 8, still not that exciting.
I doubt I will have complications from this place:
http://www.leg-lengthening.com/institute.html
It seems to be a place with good reputation. Even if I were to get long-term problems, I would prefer that over continuing to live like this.
Also I want to be average height while being barefoot. I hate lifts. I just want my height to feel natural.