Yes, my spirit was awakened before and I’m grateful for those moments I’ve “seen the light” and even did everything I could to spread the joy to others. Now it feels gone again. It’s like something is missing. How many times can a person fall completely apart and then try to pick up the pieces again. This up and down shit is not how I want to live, but it is all I see ahead of me!!!
Maybe I am only here as an example of what not to do and what not to be. I will never be what the fuck I truly want in my imagination. Entertaining that idea always leads to false hope and another inevitable crash.
A lot of people are suffering. It seems like more and more people are coming to this site who feel EXACTLY the way I do. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Still. I feel maybe many of us don’t actually want to kill ourselves or die, it’s just the pain is too much!!! I hold on for another day and yes, some good times come ahead, but the bad ones are enough to drown it all out and not even make any good times worth it. God help us. The suffering is not fair at all.
1 comment
i’m with you on swinging between, though for me it’s somewhat extreme. Soon as i think i left something behind for good, nope back again. Has a tendency to make certain actions.. seem entirely meaningless, even if they do contain worth.
only bright side i can see to shifting.. yes, the good times fade, but the worst don’t last forever either. for now, i think it’s.. comforting, that, as low as i can get, it fades away, even if it’s just for a day. crashing freaking sucks, though.
“will never be”.. yeah, keep going down that road too. best to.. keep a realistic mindset with regards to your situation and any constraints, yet acknowledge that change (even for the better), especially having happened before, is far from an impossibility. a cautious optimism..
and that.. as a general rule, people, and desires, have a way of evolving over time, often in unexpected ways. i’ve seen plenty examples of what not to do (and done/stiil do a few of them), chalk it up to learning experience, everyone has something. acceptance and change being easier said than done, of course.
and, i’d suggest if in an inconsistent mindset, there’s some type of goal you keep going back to when.. up, or at ground zero, even if it seems pointless when down, go for it anyway. most of my hobbies seem hopeless anyway, but i spent a lot of today practicing something i hadn’t in awhile, and it did give a level of satisfaction, even if it is still shoddy.
i think we’ve always had a bit of a steady flow here, honestly.. even for the ones who rarely speak.
i s’pose it’s about balance, in a way. of course the negative is heavy, but the light does still has worth, even if it is a lot easier (least for me) to see the bad in everything.. kinda have to force the bright side into a habit (annoys the hell out of me sometimes, and it’s not a ‘cure’), just so it maintains an impact, lest you be overrun completely. And absolutely, too much suffering, always.. ‘fair’ ain’t exactly the rule of the land. but there’s still people who help alleviate it, who try. that does in fact matter.
..keep in mind, only half of me believes in this. better than nothing, i guess.