It’s crazy to think about

I’ve had a thought in my head recently. It is so fucking easy to take your own life. I mean I have migraine meds and alcohol, I have knives I have cords I have a car, a toaster and bathtub, and I own two guns. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m going to be the one to finally kill me. Lately I’ve been smoking more than a pack a day because it makes me feel something. My wife seems to hate me and keeps talking g about leaving me to go home to Missouri. I just want to be numb.