My wish for you is..

my wish for you is: smiles when sadness intrudes comfort on those difficult days, rainbows to follow the clouds, sunsets to warm your heart, laughter to kiss your lips, hugs when spirits sag, friendships to brighten your being, beauty for your eyes to see, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, patience to accept the truth, courage to know yourself, love to complete your life ?

I have every right to feel lost, alone, afraid, and insecure, I am at the end of my rope for continuing on, you say me dying would break your heart and not to put feelings in your mouth but I can guarantee you would feel a huge burden off your shoulders. I know you know that you would feel a lot better if you didn’t have to take care of me. I love you so much but honestly as unconditional that love is, we have been growing apart. We fight more, we haven’t been spending as much time together, you are pushing me away (YES I KNOW YOU DON’T THINK YOU ARE BUT YOU ARE PUSHING ME AWAY!) I have the  strange attachment issues and need to grow up, I get that, but the love and compassion I will have for you wont ever go away.

You make me feel so many emotions. Our friendship is an emotional roller coaster.

No one believes in me anymore, you were ( I thought) the last person to have faith in me, no one believes in me because I burn the bridges with my bipolar, the things I say and do, I have lost the faith in myself, I need help but your not there, you have too much stress to handle with already. You don’t need me, you really don’t you need to let me go and know that me leaving is not your fault, you tried and tried with me but I dug my heels in the ground and refused to take your love, I am hurting inside and you may never know the extent of my hurt because as much as I do express to you, my mind is a dark place, you have no idea. My heart is broken and I am fading quickly. As I sit here and take in every last moment I can before.. before … before I say goodbye, I want to see you again, I want to be by your side today, but you aren’t answering your cell phone. I refuse to go downstairs and knock on your door, you do not need too see me like this, you have seen me down before but not like this, my mask has fully come off and I am a mess. I feel like there is no one too save me now, I can’t explain it really, it just is what it is, I try and I try to get back up, but emotionally, I just keep falling down, I have no desire to try, I have no desire to find hope that could save me. There is no more light at the end of the tunnel, I am just another number, another suicide statistic, I am going to be easily forgotten. I just need to end this pain.

I found a razor I will take apart, I have pills, I am going to shower, do my hair and make up, smile one last time for you and me, and kiss the world goodbye. I have fought for so long and after all these years I am glad I did because fate was waiting for me to meet you, I am so sorry to leave you now but knowing you, I know you’ll be okay, you have some amazing friends, one amazing boyfriend, some amazing strength and courage. I will always believe in you, I will watch down on you, I will smile for you and for me and I will be happy. I don’t have to live in this pain anymore. I don’t have to keep fighting. the depression, anxiety, bipolar, has won. You are so strong sweet pea. please don’t ever loose sight in that ever. You deserve to live your life, you deserve to be happy, and happy with out a burden of a friend like me. I will watch you grow into a wonderful sophisticated, handsome, sweet, kind and amazing young man you are. I don’t want to leave you, but it’s best that I do. You have caught my fall one too many times. You don’t need me. You will get through this, don’t blame yourself. don’t think this is your fault because this isn’t your fault. You need to fly and be free. All I am doing is weighing you down.

This isn’t goodbye forever. I will be here in spirit. I will always be here in spirit. You just have to promise me you will push through this. Me leaving you isn’t too break your heart. it is to say, you can be free now. You can be free from a burden. You have a lot to offer to the world Rory. wether if it is your talented writing skills, or your wonderful cooking, or your perseverance to get through things, or your wonderful attitude on things even when I see right through your mask.

This may be my last post here, but my spirit and love will never die.

This post is for my best friend Rory.

Rory, please stay strong, you CAN do this, don’t ever listen to the bull shit people say otherwise. You are a fighter Rory. I know you can do this. DON’T EVER second guess yourself on that.