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I thought I was getting better.

I guess I’m not.

Lately I’ve been feeling numb, almost like I can’t feel anything at all. I still cry, I just don’t know why;it’s not because I’m upset, I just burst into tears all of a sudden. Then again, it’s not exactly easy to ‘feel’ connected to people when you’re almost completely cut off from them.

The people I thought were my friends don’t seem the same anymore. Maybe because we’re growing up; everyone changes when they grow up, and we drift in and out of one another’s lives. I could be completely wrong, and I could be behind it all. Me being overly sensitive in previous conversations, or asking too much of other people. Either way, it feels like I’m doing something wrong.

I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong and, as they refuse to talk to me about it all, I’ll never know. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling that I am not good enough, and never will be.

The numbness is always there, even if nobody else notices. It’s always there, sinking into my skin, soaking my body. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I’ll be able to feel anything;pain and happiness alike are strangers to me. I can’t feel anything, and he could never truly understand the concept, as much as he tries. I told him I had fucked up again, like I always do. We always had minor arguments, but the last one was too much;he was right. I had nothing to complain about, and was being far too harsh. Maybe guilt has consumed me, and caused this numbness. Perhaps it refuses to let me feel anything else. My only regret is telling him I had done it again. I had been so utterly consumed by guilt that I didn’t care about the blood.

That just made everything worse.

He is ashamed of me. He won’t say as much, but why else would he refuse to talk to me? Arguments don’t upset him the way they upset me;he never tells me how he feels anyway. It’s almost like he doesn’t want me to be close to him. Like I’m not a good enough friend, and never will be.

I will always remember that I’m not good for him, at all, and I will never forget how much damage I did.


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BL98 10/2/2016 - 9:39 am

The world around us is merely an illusion , the way you think , really shapes the world . The ties with your friends and family , dreams , fears , the past , the present , the future … all is molded by our subjective perception of things . As an example , i myself feel that i have no friends , so i have no friends , i feel i have no future , so i have no future . Things wont always go as planned but at least do things the best way that you can so you can’t be depressed later by the fact that you didn’t try . I won’t ask you to view the world as good , but at least try and view it as a challenge , as something you would want it to be . And about your friend , this matter is subjective too , no man can read nor understand someone else’s mind fully … that’s why it always takes time … I wish you all the best and hope that you will overcome this emptiness we both posses .

NineTheTimesBluer 10/2/2016 - 10:02 am

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I suppose it could be said that we mould others’ lives to some extent;the things we say and do, to varying degrees, are the staples in others’ lives. Maybe that’s why so many people create illusions and façades-to give other people the benefit of the light. In some way, you remind me of my friend, the very one I mentioned. He often says that we can only follow what we believe, and if we believe we are worth nothing, that is what we are worth. The way he speaks about it irritated me sometimes-perhaps because my desire to be understood drowned everything else out-but I think I’m finally understanding what he (and you) mean. Thank you for the good wishes, and I wish the very same to you.

BL98 10/2/2016 - 10:43 am

It is not about what i or him means , it is what you want to understand from it . From my experience i can say that people may think they have the same perception but it never is , and it is not a bad thing . Thank you for the feedback and i wish you all the best .

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