3 weeks ago I got great news. I had gotten into the course of my dreams and would be finally moving out of the shit hole I call home. I was elated.
Then reality hit. I became anxious to the point of panic and then depression swept over me like a wave. A wave in the ocean, breaking over me and dumping me on to the sand. I suppose you could say I am frozen in fear.
Fear of making a mistake, fear of failure, fear of change. And now I am in constant procrastination; not just with the move I need to make in order to start my new life. Tasks like cleaning, cooking have gone out the window. I am constantly stressed to the max. If I manage to make a decision to do with my future, I am full of regret about it. Constantly second guessing my self. Not feeling good enough. I will fail. I am overwhelmed. It’s all too much.
No one can help me, not my therapist or any of my clinical supports, not my best friend, partner or even fortune teller.
They all tell me the same thing “Everything will be fine. You will be fine. It’s a great decision. I can’t find any negatives. The anxiety is just excitement. Don’t worry, you will ace it!, don’t worry we are in this together I will take care of it.
Every day I wake up feeling the same. Like death is the only solution. If I die I won’t be a problem anymore.
I am just a problem. I don’t even know what my partner see’s in me. He is always complaining every time I open my mouth. The words I say cause him to feel uneasy and he often hits his head or gets head aches. I wonder why is he with me? I look at my self and I see an ugly, out of shape person, with wrinkles, pimples, scars.
I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s all too hard. I am a loser and I will always be a loser. Should i just give up on life and stop trying? It’s hard to fail when you aren’t trying to succeed.
1 comment
“Everything will be fine” are words that are empty. Everything will never be just fine in my life. It will be fantastic, terrible, miserable or smell of sour green apples, but fine? They can have their find. Who wants fine. Fine is dull. Fine is a half eaten iceberg salad at some all you can eat restaurant on a Tuesday.
Who wants fine?
Leap. Just leap. You already know the worst case scenario. We all do. Leap. Either way “fine” won’t be a factor. Everyone can have fine. I’ll take a life that smells like rasberries and tastes of a tart lemon.