As I am typing this, I am on the verge of ending my life. I have never ever been this depressed since my grandfather died. I don’t know why I did it. I know that I should’ve not done it. Because of this, everything was taken from me. The fame, the sports, the hobbies, the clothing, etc. I don’t know why I even exist anymore. There is my dad who calls me names that I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore. He said so much bad things to me that I couldn’t even stand up to myself. My mom was in shock of why I did it. My 2 brothers were also in shock of why I did it.
As I am typing this, I can’t stand to bear the pain that what I did will haunt me forever. Not only it will affect the present, but future as well. I am deeply in tears right as I am expressing my story to you.
I guess you want to really know what I did that made me suicidal and the outcomes of what I did. You should probably read this alone and also sit down while you are at it.
It started when I came home after school. I was supposed to clean my room since I didn’t clean it earlier. I also had to go to football practice afterwards. The problem was when I came home, no one was available to take me to football practice. So I texted my dad saying that no one was home and what time you will come back. He then told me that he was coming late. So I sat down and started to think of how to get to football practice. Now I know you are probably thinking, why not just walk to football practice? At that time I did not thought of that idea and instead I had an idea of my own. I am 16 right now with no permit yet. Since my parents were not home, I thought of taking my dad’s old toyota ford runner to football. Now I know you are thinking, why would an idiot like him drive to football practice when he has no permit also no experience of driving right now? Like I said, I was so caught up in the idea that I wasn’t thinking that I no driving experience. So then I got out the manual of the car and started to read the basics of how to operate the car. I thought it was pretty easy (or so did I thought) so I went to the car, turned it on, and went for a test drive. What I mean by a test drive is that I went in reverse, went in my driveway and reversed the car out of the driveway, and tried to park it back in the same place it was parked at. Unfortunately, it did not end well. While I was reversing the car, I pushed on the gas pedal too hard and I went flying backwards into my neighbors property. I left a big mark on the property as I got off the house. I then parked the car in the opposite direction in the same spot. I got out, really scarred that if someone saw me that I would get severe consequences but unfortunately that did not’ happen. So then I put the car keys back and started to walk to football.
Now this is the part where my whole life turns upside down. As I was coming home from football, my dad started to question what happened after school. “Nothing, I did what you asked and then walked to football practice”, I replied. “I’m taking you to the police station not unless you tell me what really happened”, he then said. So I then told him the truth of what happened after I came home. He then started to hit me, said the most hurtful words that he ever said to me, and laid down the consequences. I couldn’t go to football practice anymore, I couldn’t go to football for 6 months, I couldn’t go to the gym for 6 months, I could only wear 1 pant and 2 shirts, my dad would not supply breakfast, lunch, or dinner, and I could never talk to him again, also called me his most disgraceful son.
I was affected by the hurtful things that he had said to me. I knew I deserved what was coming for me but having my own father wishing that I was never even born hurted my feelings so much. He even wanted to kick me out of the house, but my mother begged him not to so he did not.
I was in painful tears. I had no words to say. I then had to clean the mess I made and go apologize to the property owner that I ruined. She forgave me but didn’t even care about the property and the only reason why she told my father was because of how if there were little kids running around (there were no kids around when I drove the car) I would possibly endanger their lives. She felt really sorry for me and asked that If I wanted some food. I declined nicley saying that I was okay. But in reality, I was not. In that moment as I was leaving the house, I felt like my life didn’t need to go on anymore. I wanted to commit suicide. I was so depressed that I was walking back to my house I thought I was going to collapse and get run over by a car.
So I told you my story of what happened. People will say I deserved what was coming for me which I agree to that. I also agree that it was the most stupid thing that I had done and I could’ve just walked to football practice instead of even stepping foot in the car but I did not think of it during that moment.
I don’t know if there is any hope left for me now. Only God knows.
Thank you for reading this dear reader.
5 comments
I don’t think you deserved the way you were treated. What you did was wrong, but nobody got hurt. You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and your life is worth more than what your dad thinks of you. I think you can get past this. Please don’t end your life. You’re so young. This hard time in your life will eventually pass, and things could get so much better for you.
We all make mistakes. At least no one got hurt.
I feel bad for you for being punished so severely, but do not despair. You will get through this and one day it will all be in the past.
One thing that you can do, it seems like you experience a lot of guilty feelings and pain regarding that.
Perhaps reframe that guilt? Instead of seeing your mistakes as an equation of your worth as a person, see it as layers of your history. We all make mistakes. Even your favorite people are riddled with imperfections. However, you can use your mistakes as reasons to keep going. And the fact that you’re very specific about them, to me, is a good thing. I believe that all bad things in life have a good use and to me the good use in specifically identifying and understanding your mistakes is that:
1.) You’ve got a better starting place than most people do when changing yourself. For example, if I were focusing on my mistakes regarding how I acted in a relationship (this is a real world example from my own life), then I can break that down into a list, picking one thing to start with and changing all of those things or at least getting better.
2.) You’ve got a greater pool of compassion to share when someone else makes that mistake.
3.) When you’ve made your self-improvements you can better help people who struggle with the same thing.
If anything, I think that you’re poised to be a more awesome person and even help a lot of people. Not that you’re required to. But I think that we all have that desire.
Invest that time and effort that it seems like you want to invest in others on yourself. You’re worth the effort.
That said, I think that your punishment was way overboard. Which makes sense as to why you’re so critical of yourself.
There’s hope for you though. Just realize that you don’t have to repeat other people’s mistakes. Just learn from your own. It’s okay to accept what people do, forgive them and acknowledge that they’re wrong. A lot of people think that you can only pick one. But that’s nonsense. You can forgive, accept it without causing conflict (that usually frustrates the problem) and acknowledge that they don’t have all the answers and because of that, they sometimes make the wrong decision.
I play a lot of Dota and my favorite phrase from that game is “Relax, you’re doing fine.”
You made a mistake but honestly I thought what you did was going to be much worse. You could have backed up and accidentally ran over a child in the road and got sentenced to jail, or any number of much much worse things could have happened. I understand your dad was wrong, but him hitting you and treating you like shit over it is not cool, and I truly don’t think you deserved that. I’m sure your dad did some dumb things growing up, and I know I sure have, and still do sometimes.
it was wrong to drive it but tbh, i would have probably done that under different circumstances.
my mother is like that sometimes. she’d get physical with me. at school, no one expects me to be so depressed and suicidical and all since im all so “happy” at school. i pretty much live with no hope in my life. school is absolutely painful and no one helps there. they will make everything worse. i’ve never tried killing myself or anything (cause i never have the chance) but i need help in general.