I have never, ever liked the holidays, ever. But this is the first year without my mom, who died last year. Thanksgiving blindsided me, I did not see how much it would kill me to be without her. I just wanted to die because the pain was so incredibly unbearable. There is no vocabulary, no words, just nothing in the fucking world I can say or do. I miss her so fucking much. I don’t believe in an afterworld (no disrespect intended to those who do) so I know I will never, ever see her again – ever – and I just can’t go on. I have so much to tell her, and I can’t.
What else hurts is I made contact with a long lost family member last year. He started off nice, but over time, I realized he was a narcissist and the relationship became manipulative and controlling (actually, it was from the start, but I was too fucked up from my mom’s death to see it). He blamed me for causing problems between he and another family member (who wants nothing to do with me) and all I did was show up – didn’t want anything other than to know who the hell I am. After 10 months of trying everything I could try… twice…. to make this goddamn joke of a friendship work, I had to throw in the towel. This relationship is not loving, kind, or mutual, and it was causing much more pain than it was worth. It occurred to me yesterday that I will never have a holiday with this man. Ever. And it hurts like hell.
So, my mom’s gone, my other family member is gone, and I’ve pushed every friend I have away with my grief from losing them both. I do truly want to leave this world – it is just too much. There;s just too much pain. Way more than I can handle. So, the only thing I could do was get fucked up as hell intoxicated and hope to hell I did not wake up…. but obviously I did.
I am so incredibly alone.
4 comments
I would love to say something to make you feel better but both of us should already know that this won’t change anything, but if you feel lonely or just need someone to talk here am i 🙂 you don’t have to but if you need to then go ahead
Just know I love you. You’re never alone. Things will get better.
I’m truly sorry for the loss of your mother and my thoughts are with you. I can feel the pain in your words and I wish there was something I could say that would help. You’re so strong and one day I hope you won’t be in so much pain.
I am sorry, that is awful. Even though you cannot talk to your mother directly, and you don’t believe in an afterlife, you can keep her memory alive by remembering the good things about her. You can even talk to her when you are down. Just expressing things that way can be calming, I feel.
Good on you for getting away from the narcissist, even though you feel hurt and disillusioned. Trust me, there are good people out there. There really are. This should not be the end for you at all.
You just have to meet new people, and now you are that much smarter – you know what narcissism looks like and can duly avoid it.
Hugs
P.S. Maybe there is some holiday activity for people who are alone during the holidays? I know there is where I live. You can meet others in the same boat.