My Story To The Void

Hello all,

I don’t know why but I feel a need to share tonight, and found this site. I have wanted to kill myself for most of my life, definitely since the early teenage years. I’m 30 now. My life hasn’t gone at all how I thought. I suspect others can relate to that. I grew up in a good family, I really had no excuse to want to die, and yet I did. This made/makes me feel even worse, coming from a decent home and yet still hating myself and wanting to die.

I developed a pretty serious porn addiction in my 20s, which continues today. Which added/adds to my self hate and depression. I’ve dropped out of four colleges, have no passions, no joy, and little hope. I’ve been unemployed for a year and a half, and am just a useless bum. All of the girls I’ve loved have not loved me. The one that hurt the most got married (not engaged, but married) within a month of breaking up with me. That damaged me, and I’m still not bounced back from it. Being a bum no one would want me now anyway, I’d be doing them a disservice. I have nothing to offer.

I’m religious (Christian), and do believe in God and Christ. This has helped me not kill myself, because I believe that death is not the end. That we’ve all been giving struggles that can lift and refine us with God’s help. That said, I still hate myself, and every time I pass something sharp I think of stabbing myself. When I see blenders I imagine sticking my hand in them while on. Never have though. Intellectually I know this is a disease in my case, depression is a disease, but it is still hard, and is still isolating, and I still hate myself completely. I don’t want to want to be this way, but I am. Are there others who’ve been here and can help? Please give me advice. Thanks.

The people in my life have no idea, and I’ve never seen a doctor out of the intellectually irrational fear that I won’t be me anymore if they put me on meds.