no matter what I do

I keep coming back to this place inside. This places that tells me that I’m not enough. That no matter what I do the world will always be bad and I sink into despair. I just want to be alright and not think that death is a viable alternative. That inevitably one day I will kill myself. That no mater what I do suicidality will always be a part of my heart. Maybe it’s the intoxicants I use. I hear it’s a downer but in the moment it feels ok. Maybe it’s just them speaking, sinking me down deep, dragging me down. Maybe I need to work harder. But I work so hard and I just want to be ok. Why is it so much work to just not kill yourself? I wish I could put this energy towards something beautiful but I’m working so hard not to destroy my every being. I don’t have enough in me to keep resisting. I need to. I just want to sit at home and not do a thing. Because community is important but I’m not gonna make it. I know I won’t I’ve made it so far and I’m just ready to let it all go to hell. Maybe I want to use more intoxicants that make me sad so that I can finally take my life. I just hope that it can all be over soon. That the apocalypse takes away my right to choose, takes away my decision. I need to breathe, breath and hide.