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no matter what I do

by namelessqueer

I keep coming back to this place inside. This places that tells me that I’m not enough. That no matter what I do the world will always be bad and I sink into despair. I just want to be alright and not think that death is a viable alternative. That inevitably one day I will kill myself. That no mater what I do suicidality will always be a part of my heart. Maybe it’s the intoxicants I use. I hear it’s a downer but in the moment it feels ok. Maybe it’s just them speaking, sinking me down deep, dragging me down. Maybe I need to work harder. But I work so hard and I just want to be ok. Why is it so much work to just not kill yourself? I wish I could put this energy towards something beautiful but I’m working so hard not to destroy my every being. I don’t have enough in me to keep resisting. I need to. I just want to sit at home and not do a thing. Because community is important but I’m not gonna make it. I know I won’t I’ve made it so far and I’m just ready to let it all go to hell. Maybe I want to use more intoxicants that make me sad so that I can finally take my life. I just hope that it can all be over soon. That the apocalypse takes away my right to choose, takes away my decision. I need to breathe, breath and hide.

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The Last Snorlax 11/18/2016 - 11:00 am

I really want to say something good, deeply profound and meaningful words of wisdom, that would raise your spirit, and make you feel alright,, Some hidden truth that could make all your troubles go away, and have your world appear as you’d wish it.

But I don’t how, or what that would sound like. I don’t know the words. I don’t think I know the words you need.
If I knew how to put a smile on your face I would, if I knew how to show you the world you want I would, if I could eat your sins and take your pain, I would do this gladly for you.
If I could make everything you wanted go away, I would defy any force you might call God to make it so

Since I don’t know how to do any of this for you, all I can is to be here a little while longer, and share this place with you, however long it may last

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