Hello, I am female, 24, new, reading this site since a few months, now I have the courage to post something.
I will never be myself again because of medication. F*** off mother, just shut up!!! I never thought you could fuck me up more than you already did. But you did. F*** you!! Why do you think am I sick, stupid monster?! F*** the people around me, f*** this world! I just don’t care anymore! I actually never cared, I just exist because I feel I have to. I can’t take this shit anymore. Not supposed to be here. F*** off world!!! I hate food I eat and therefore my smell. I am addicted to sugar, to food in general. And when I can’t handle it, I drink too much. At 14 I used to get drunk with a friend after school, we shared wine I bought when she begged me to. I hate the job I do, hate the idea of living around me. And my father is a selfish idiot! F*** you for leaving me in the car to party, and f*** you for leaving me at the entrance of the casino to waste money. For hours. F*** you cause you tried to get rid of me. You are all full of bullshit “my family”. It’s too tiering to list it all. I hate so deeply I can’t speak it. I hate my friends for not understanding me, and my lovers for ignoring and hurting me. F*** you all!!!!!! To my ex-boss: Stop looking for young girls to work with you, pervert clown!!!!!!!!!! I am so in fear and rage and sadness I can’t breathe!!! I can’t let go, no matter how hard I try. I want to cry, no tears are left. I swallowed hate because of racism (in primary school I feared for my life, cause they said they would kill me, they would spit at me and kick and hit me when I passed, mobbing was standard), and anger because of divorce. I hurt myself a s a kid and did weird stuff. I am so lost. Just wanna run away. Still I am hurting myself to release the pain, which works. Ans always I am smiling and pretending to be fine, but I want to die or somebody else to die. To write it helps a lot, finally. No one knows how bad I wanna cry. There’s just pain all day.
Before I met you, you thought I was ok, but I was in panic every day. I feared everything, I had to fight twice as hard as I do today. And I felt depression like lava under the soil, feel it in my body ready to errupt.
And I hate the disgusting side of me. I am so weird. The pain others have makes me suffer even more. I can’t help friends, their problems would bury me – I can hardly listen to them. And I am too weak to help myself. This time I really try extremly hard, but I am exhausted. I feel like I don’t try enough to leave everything behind and be happy. Maybe I don’t want to be happy. I’m so tired, I can’t sleep enough. Yes, there is medication and a psychologist (she is nice). But honestly, all that heals is music, crying, hurting and dance. Sometimes poetry. Right now I feel the tears coming, but they never flow. WHY god????????????
All I want is to run away and leave everything and everybody or vanish. end.
5 comments
Hey, I know how it feels to be mistreated my “my family”. My parents don’t even anticipate my existence anymore. My dad loves his money more than he loves me. My mom told me to jump off a building. My dad calls me a worthless fat s*!t. And so does my mom. My parents’ favorite thing to do when interacting with other parents is to go on and on about what a piece of crap I am. Honestly, my parents are better off without me. They keep saying they “work hard just to take care of me,” but I know that’s a lie. They weren’t there to talk me out of my first suicide attempt when I was 11 years old. They just whispered to each other in the middle of night talking about how I “need mental help” and what a disappointment I am. I want to cry too, but I’m running out of tears. At school people tell me to go die and stuff. Someone even said I should drink bleach.
The way society treats you is terrible. But you’re not the only one suffering.
Thank you for your kind words. I think you suffer more than me. I was constantly put down by family, friends and boyfriends with emotional and psychological abuse. It sounds like you are going through this too. I am very sorry for that. What hurts me a lot is knowing, that people experience the same, cause I know how harmful it is and now I suffer from the consequences. It’s tough, cause no one believes you and no one cares, until it’s too late, you’re damaged or gone. But I wish you strength go come through school and the just leave. For me it’s the only solution I see. I haven’t achieved that yet -.-
Bad parenting can seriously f*uck you up. Seriously. Been there, seen it happen to people, you name it. But i’ve also seen people overcome the damage done by crappy parents, so it can be done. That said… well, it does take time to heal from the sort of damage you mention, specially if more crap keeps on coming your way, but the best you can do is focus in what heals you and go from there.
You mention that your solution is finishing school and leaving… well, that’s something to look forward to at least (and it’s a doable, reasonable solution).
FTR from reading your post i don’t see a weird or disgusting side, and as you mention that might have to do more with being tired than being weird. Damage and hurt does that to people… it exhaust them and sort of changes them… but even if it does change you, it’s still possible to come out stronger from it. I do hope you manage to do that eventually.
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I felt betrayed by my mother too, because I felt like she did not protect me from psychiatry and eventual medication.
I also have a job I loathe. Only mild sexual harrassment here, at least.
I just wanted to share what has worked for me:
I slowly came off medication over the course of a year. I am so glad I did. I feel like it is my life now. Yes, I am still scarred by it, it has certainly damaged my mind and taken much of my personality, but I am just relieved to be off it.
Sleeping. At the same time every evening, until I wake up naturally. I felt like a happy child when I tried it. I do not do it currently, due to my terrible job, but if I could, I would. I would say it is THE most effective mental health tool I have tried.
“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” is the only good self-help book I have ever read, as in: it actually helps. And I have checked out quite a few over the years.
Living with others also always did me a world of good, mentally.
Thanks for your advice. Sorry for taking so long to answer. I still feel scared to write down my thoughts.