If you’re looking for my life story, to be honest, I don’t know what to put here. In the first place, it feels so personal. Other people may feel otherwise but I just…I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. In the first place, I probably never did.
Ahhh…I still don’t know what to put here. My life been pretty pathetic, anticlimactic. You know, I like to think I’m pretty theatric, even though I cried the first, second and last time on stage. Even how I think is pretty narcissistic, I think. I don’t know whether it’s because I read a lot but I tend to think life as some sort of …script. I certainly act as if it’s one. Heck maybe it’s my coping mechanism. That’ll be a hoot, I’m sure, for some starving therapist out there. A kid who lies even to himself. Or herself. I really don’t care at this point. Who cares right? If I don’t, no one else will either.
Sorry if this goes on for a bit. The whole anonymous thing is nice… by the way I checked. The janitors not in town so if you feel like barfing from this spoilage of a one-sided feelings jam, I really don’t know what to tell you. Sorry, I guess. Feels pathetic, right? None of my issues are tangible enough to report, rant or even make me feel remotely justified for wanting to off myself. And maybe there isn’t ever justification for suicide. I just have a feeling that I’ll never change enough to not want to die. Technically I’m just lonely. Anything else is just dead, rotting meat at this point no one wants to dig up. Or rather know it exists. And then it reaches that point. Who cares if you or I feel sad, scared, with burning tears or an acid heart? If there’s no one left to care but you, or me? At that point, it. Only. Exists. In. My. Head. Posting my thoughts on this site wasn’t desperate so don’t worry. I think many of us know by now that you can always tell apart people who truly will jump off that bridge then those who don’t. I belong in the latter, where I silently wish and pray for someone to just put a gun to my head. Haunted by whatever crap my mind decides to bring up at 1 AM in the morning and apparently now every waking hour of my existence.
I’m sorry if this post ruined you day. You’re probably here for a reason, to find…I really wouldn’t know. I’d hate to know it to because personally, I never did have what I found as a sound reason to go die, So if you found enough reason to come here, to this site, it’s something more then I ever found in myself. I guess all I am is a preacher, empty shell.
And for what it’s worth, I wasn’t really that nice of a person anyway.
5 comments
I have never read a post on SP that ruined my day, and yours didn’t either, so don’t worry about that, don’t take that on your shoulders.
You can find the most gut wrenching and heartbreaking stories on SP. The more frustrating rants and vents, odd bizarre opinions, infuriating comments.
Can feel the pain, sadness, loneliness, the despair of them all
But never something that ruins the day, because we all come here in one way or another for the same reason, to share, and be heard, however vague it might appear.
Anonymously connecting with other distraught souls however faint. So just reading, posting, being read, thinking that possibility of being heard in the void is there, can lift us all up, even if just a tiny iota.
I hope you find something here on SP
and I hope you end up finding what you need in life
It’s nice to see this first hand, to see that my words won’t kill anyone whose listening twice over. I originally came here because everyone around me is someone I couldn’t bear to burden or offend with my troubles. There will and probably always will be a barrier between me and the people who surround me. I couldn’t bear to burden them, the wonderful strangers I surround myself with, and in the end, people whom I can never reach out to. So I came here just to unload and be done with it. Ignore, bottle, ship it to hell when I die, but maybe I’ll try to stick around this time. Read other people’s posts, actually reply for the first time. And you know what, Snorlax? Thanks. I hear winter’s going to be lovely around this time of year. Take a few photos, maybe stick around a bit longer? I’m definitely not the person you should hear this from but I hope you find something worth too beyond what others in your own life say.
I think that it’s the exact opposite of ruining my day, I come on this site because of my ruined life, because of feeling alone in my problems, but posts like these and others on the website show that no one is alone and that we are all struggling even though every situation is different.
Hi Gimmick…
I know it’s extremely difficult to stop apologizing when you feel like a burden on the world… My ex boyfriend, for one, did this exact thing. I’m not with him anymore partially because of that, but I know that whether or not I stayed would not have helped him.
Because the only person that can choose to help him, and effectively, is himself.
I don’t know. I don’t know a surefire precise way out of it either. We are a product of genes and external influences which means that we have to be taught how to love ourselves. And when we’re not internally built to love ourselves and the external voices teach us to do anything but that, how on earth are we supposed to find our ways out of this inflicted dilemma?
I think positive affirmations are important. Just listening to a human voice saying good things to you (Youtube is full of them) for a prolonged period of time helps you to internalize these thoughts. It took me a long time to even start saying positive things towards myself. It fluctuates at times, but it helps at times as well.
Hello family — AGAIN . I read all of your posts . Ruin my day — God , My days ruined before I even open my eyes .. I have a love / Hate issue with finding you lot here . On one hand it’s great to see that I’m not the only person that feels like crap and killing myself might be the only way out.. But on the other I’m angry for wanting to wake every day and want to turn on this page and see you all again . Giving me a reason to open my eyes .. It’s only been a week or so that I failed at ending it all . And I tried hard too .. But you have become my close friends though I will never know any of you .